Once again, I find myself reading Seventeen magazine. Why do I let this happen so often?
(Because it’s summer and I’m bored and I keep secretly hoping it will tell me how to really “LOOK PRETTIER THAN EVER!”)
Here’s what I’m absorbing instead.
Kidnapping boys is a good idea:
Good, because I’m guilty of this one. 17 says, “Just offer your guy a ride home. Once you’re in the car, you can slip into a way to extend your time together: “I’m starving! Want to go to Steak ‘n Shake?” Suddenly you’re flirting over french fries!”
Alternatively, you can say “now that I have you in my vehicle, you might as well surrender.”
Sex is the worst thing in the world:
I get that if 17 suggested anything other than putting careful thought into sexual decisions, they’d be faced with mobs with pitchforks and torches and such (people still do that, right?), and I completely agree that people shouldn’t run around putting zero thought into their actions, but this is too much: “… the bottom line is that sex is a big deal. All types of sex are a big deal. And just like you’d think long and hard about losing your virginity, you should think carefully about every hookup—and every step you take, sexually. Because whether your actions affect that virginity label or not, they still affect your heart, mind, and body.”
Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but it sounds like they’re saying anything beyond kissing will make you want to go home and cry. Not that I would know, because I’m a good girl who cuts things off at hand-holding. Am I doing it right, 17?
Boys are lying to you:
They don’t love you. They don’t like cats. They’re not in business school. They’re all virgins. And they’re all cheating on you with a girl named Jessica.
I am way not preppy enough to go to Brown(?):
People who go to Ivy League schools dress like every day is 4th of July on Daddy’s yacht. What have I been doing without plaid Tommy Hilfiger bedding? Luckily, 17 offers me “preppy pieces [that] will turn your room into the most polished and organized study haven.” I don’t think even Princeton kids would decorate with this shit.
The tampon wars are getting ugly:
I guess that shouldn’t be surprising. Anyway, Tampax vs. Kotex. Tampax says it “protects BETTER than U by Kotex.” There’s a picture of a girl in a white bikini who’s saying, “At a moment like THIS, I don’t care if my tampons came in a little black box.”
I am cringing right now, for the record.
Girls are crazy people who hate themselves:
Seriously, we’re mentally unstable all of the time. “Sheila*from Antioch, Illinois, says, “I was feeling bad and decided to diss myself on Formspring. I hid my name and wrote that I was ugly. It only took a few minutes for my friends to respond that the person was wrong, that I’m beautiful and shouldn’t let others push me around.”” Someone please tell me this isn’t a trend?
Literally throw yourself at boys:
Samantha, a nineteen year old from California, says, “I use the crowd to ‘accidentally’ bump into a hot guy. Once you’re talking, it’s natural to step closer and talk into his ear because it’s so loud. In the middle of a crazy part, a quiet conversation can easily lead to a hookup!” Just remember to think carefully about every hookup, for the heart, mind, and body, remember?
Your friends suck:
You pretty much hate your friends, right? They play Egyptian Ratscrew at parties, when you really want to talk to boys! The solution is to invite boys into your game of Egyptian Ratscrew.
I hope we've all learned a lot.
Love always,
Clara
