Lightsabers and the like

Someone asks me a question-

Dear Clara,

I have a problem. I seem to be obsessed with my new lightsaber, and I'm not entirely sure how I should handle it. My brother and I have considered making a short Star Wars film using said lightsaber. I would like CTY children to be in this film, but it appears as though they're all FUCKING LEAVING ME. What do I do?

Dear Vivian,

I understand your obsession with this lightsaber for many reasons. The first is that lightsabers are cool, and the second is that I have lived with a person who has been completely and totally obsessed with star wars. I don't know who this CTY child thinks she is, abandoning you when there are clearly star wars things to be done, but she does not know what she is missing.

Or perhaps she does. In which case, she thinks that you two should also write a song about light sabers, right after you write a song about naked romps.

But this is all made more complicated by the fact that she is, in fact, leaving on friday.

Not that I know who she is or anything.

Love always,
Clara

Ask me things!

People have problems and they want me to fix them! Sweet!

Here we go:

Hi Clara! I randomly came upon your blog this one time (ok that sounds totally sketch, but you know how it goes), and you were really funny. So I keep up with you. :)

Um I was hoping you could give me some advice. Ok so I have my guy best friend, right? His name's Ryan. Which isn't really important but whatevs. He's kinda rich, and his older brother (who has no job and lives in there basement...) is this like totally ridic star wars addict. Ok so Ry and I made this bet, and I lost. So now I have to wear his brother's star wars metal bikini...thing to this party. Um...what do I do??? Especially since my crush (whose name I'm not gonna say) is gonna be there?

Haha you were probably thinking you'd get no feedback/normal questions...but I just have weird friends I guess. How am I getting out of this one?

Love Always,
Sidney

PS: Seriously, your blog is amazing. And your dog seems just as amazing. Tell him I say hi :)

Dear Sidney,

My first reaction to this email was 'OH MY GOD I HAVE A READER WHO IS NOT MY FRIEND IN REAL LIFE! THIS IS COOL!'

My second was 'That bikini exists in real life?'

I googled it and found that there is even a website dedicated to the thing, www.leiasmetalbikini.com. So... you learn something new every day.

I suppose because you lost the bet you have to do it, but it depends on the weight of the bet. Like, earlier this year Isabella lost a bet regarding grades on a spanish test, and she had to bake Brendan a cake. It wasn't that serious a bet, but Isabella likes to bake anyways, and when she makes cakes she goes all out with decorations and the like. It's pretty awesome.

So if it was a non-legit bet, just don't deal with it I guess. But if it's serious... I guess you might as well just rock the Princess Leia look. If anything, it proves you're brave?

I tend to have no shame, so... I'm probably not the person to ask.

Although I'd probably bring a change of clothes to said party, if only because you'll probably get cold.

And I'm still baffled that your friend's brother has said metal bikini thing. The website I found like, custom makes them, and they're pretty expensive. I wouldn't buy one unless I intended to wear it. I don't know, maybe Ryan's brother is into that kind of thing.

I'm going to stop thinking about that because I don't know this kid and I feel kind of sketchy wondering about it.

Love Always,

Clara

P.S. Chili says hi!

That was fun! Let's do another!

One of my best friends is moving far far away, but not to fairytale land. Since she is stupid, she is not visiting me in Mass, and apparently has better things to do. How should I make fun/punish her for her insolence?

Hi Sam.

Katie's mom lobbied my mom. I may be sleeping on your front porch pretty soon.

Be excited.

Love always,
Clara

Advice

Cary Tennis is insane and hilarious.

The best quote:

Some days I ask myself if I want to live and the answer is eight pelicans going north in a gray sky.

I love reading these advice things. Cary Tennis's are hysterical and baffling, but I also read Ask Abby and the like, for the entertainment value. And I listen to Dawson McAllister... same idea.

So I've decided something-

You know, I'd really rather think about the problems of other people than my own stupid. Please write me emails about your problems at advice.lovealways@gmail.com

Legit. Or non-legit. I'd almost prefer non-legit. Because those are likely to be more interesting. Unless you have interesting and legit problems. In which case, PLEASE EMAIL ME ABOUT THEM.

In fact, just email me a question and I'll answer it. For example, this would be completely acceptable:

Dear Clara,

I have not thought about enough math this summer break. Can you direct me towards some interesting math that might go over your own head a little?

Very Bored

Dear Bored person

I think this is pretty cool. But I am also a nerd. But so are you, I would suppose, asking for math in the middle of the summer.

Sincerely,

Clara

Funny flashback- on my 7th/8th grade blog, International News of Anonymous, I had a similar setup. Very non-legit. Also hilarious. It was more centered on 7th grade issues, which, real or fictional, tend to be trivial to the point of absurdity.

Anyway, ask me things!

Love always,
Clara