how to go to a frat party

I'm like, a super expert now.

• Think about what you're going to wear. Is there a theme? You want to look "in the theme," but you also want to look "sexy" and "not trying too hard."
• Pregame. Sit on your friend's room's floor and play bananagrams, and drink when you have to draw a tile. Alternatively, play a drinking game based on the Vietnam War. Make sure you are at least buzzed before departing, because otherwise you'll get cold. These drinks "don't count."
• Walk to the party in a group of seven or more people. No more than three of them should be pretty girls. 
• Blink at the line. Decide there must be another option.
• Try to get in through the back door. Argue with a brother named Dan about getting in. Dan is not having it. If you shotgun this beer, right now, will Dan let you in, you ask? No, Dan says, but he will give you a high five, and then tell you to get in line.
• One of your friends just remembered that her older sister used to hook up with the ex-president of the frat. You're in!
• Wow there are a lot of people in here.
• Decide you want a drink. Spend ten minutes trying to wiggle towards the bar. Accidentally grope no fewer than four strangers. Spill some of your drink while trying to escape the madness. You will do this several more times.
• You have lost your friends. Dance. 
• Find your friends. This is the most exciting thing ever to happen! You thought they had all died!
• Lose your friends again. Repeat.
• Find that guy who used to be in that club that you're in. Talk about the current state of that club.
• Find that girl from your English class who is really very drunk and talk to her for a little while. Tell her that you know that her ex is a douche, because your ex was also a douche, and that's exactly how logic works. She will be so glad that someone understands.
• Realize that it's hotter than the sun on the dance floor. Step outside for fresh air, but end up standing in a crowd of people smoking cigarettes.
• Go back and dance. Feel sweaty, and consider the fact that sweat is neither "in the theme" or "sexy." 
• Sweat could be sexy, right?
• Leave around 1:30, so that you have time to get mozzarella sticks before the diner closes. See other sexy-sweaty-theme-dressed people. Nod knowingly. You are all cool party-attending people now.
• Tomorrow, when people ask how it was, say, "It was fun. You know, super crowded, but it was a good time." 

Foolproof.

Love always,
Clara