stressin'

I've decided I'm stressed out and that's my problem.

1. Worry or anxiety
2. Confusion, and an inability to concentrate or make decisions
3. Feeling ill
4. Feeling out of control or overwhelmed by events
5. Being more lethargic
   
6. Mood changes:

• Depression
• Frustration
• Hostility
• Helplessness
• Impatience & irritability
• Restlessness

(via a link from my psych course)
I feel like all of that describes me pretty well right now.
What's frustrating is that on the very next page, it talks about "Optimizing Stress."
See, in my head, that sounds like saying, "Wow, those Nazis sure were efficient! Maybe we could put them to good use!"

Just no.

However, I am going to start trying to manage my stress. Goodbye, redbull at lunch. I'm going to start drinking more tea, eating more oranges, doing more cardio, and possibly seeking soy milk, which is hard to find in Switzerland.
Anyone else have any tips?

I find it ironic that at the moment I feel most stressed, my psychology unit is about stress management. Thanks, psychology!

Love always,
Clara

i really don't know what to do with myself

Between yesterday and today...

• I left the house a total of once.
• I took several naps.
• I spent approximately four hours on an amount of physics work that should have taken me two.
• I ate more than necessary.
• I despaired.

Why the despair? I have no idea.

See, this is my problem. I hate it when I get like this, but I do, occasionally, and I don't ever know what to do about it except blog, because when I blog I realize how annoyingly self-pitying I sound, and usually that makes me erase everything I've typed and bat out some post about what I discovered looking up Taco Bell on Wikipedia.

I like to write.

But I'm afraid I like to write because I like to talk about myself, and I don't think that's going to work for me, in the long run, if writing is something I want to do, in the long run. Most of you reading this, I would wager, know me, or at least have met me, so I'm hoping my thoughts (about myself) are at least a little bit interesting to you, but most of the world does not know me, and what to do about that?

Answer: Start writing about things that are more relevant to the rest of the world. Universal themes. Pillars of humanity.

I'm seventeen.

That simply isn't going to work.

So I'm stuck in this weird spot where I'm spending a lot of time doing things I'm not interested in doing, and I'd always assumed that time in my life would be my 30s or something, that era of required-career, but no, it's started already, and I can't put my finger on when.

Hell, I'd always assumed I'd be too good for that phase, and I'd breeze right through everything and find my calling and just do that for the rest of my life, and just be happy.

In retrospect, I've been pissed off about people wasting my time since the fourth grade.

I'd rather be pissed off than whatever I was today.

Apologies for the self-indulgent rambling today but honestly, you're reading my blog and this is what I have to say right now, and if you expected anything else then I'm sure there is higher quality reading material somewhere out there on the internet.

Love always,
Clara

a musical outlet

What I've been listening to, in a convenient easy-to-stalk format.

Love always,
Clara

apologies for my absence yesterday

Yesterday was supposed to be a ski day but it was cancelled due to high winds, so we had school. School was also windy. There was an epic rainstorm during German (right before lunch) and I was afraid I'd have to walk to lunch in the rain, but it stopped.

Very considerate of the rainclouds to wait until I'd gotten my lunch to open the skies again.

I went home, changed, and went out again, first to the marine house, then to Worb where some people were hanging out. It was a good time.

I'm so tired today though. And not really feeling very interesting.

I hate that feeling. Does anyone else ever get that? It's worse than feeling bored, it's feeling boring. It's the worst, and if you haven't felt it, you're not missing a thing.

I made friends with a cat yesterday.

It's getting warm in switzerland. I'm thrilled about it.

Love always,
Clara

sunrise in seidenburg

sunrise in seidenburg, originally uploaded by csb324.

This is what i look at when i take the tram. Can you believe I live in the city?
Except now, it's light out when I get up in the morning.
Which is nice.

Love always,
Clara

work work work can be fun

Edward Burger: So this term goes to zero, and this term goes to zero, and it looks like all the terms are going to zero but it hasn't! The -1 remains! And it lives on to tell the children about the massacre.

I like thinking of numbers as people. Sometimes I like those people. Sometimes, I want to massacre them. When I'm finding the limit of certain equations, I can!

Edward Burger: I'm going to pretend to be a calculus student. Not you, someone else. A bit of role play here. In fact, I'm going to use my calculus student nom de plume, which really just means I'll use a different color marker. That's a bit of french. I'll teach you french! I'll teach you spanish too. Hola! Me llamo Eduardo.

I'm doing german homework right now. It's great. I have to talk for three minutes about a picture, and make up a story.

This is what I've written so far, according to Google Translate.

Here is a sad mother.
it's a beautiful day in the small village. it is a Sunday and the church brings people together. But the mother, the very image god, she can not go to church. She has too many poor children and the children always make trouble. The church must always have peace.
Yesterday, the priest said to mutter, "My wife, her children can not come to church applied early morning."
The mother was very sad.
Today is the Sunday market. A man buys bread. You buy a different fruits. The children want to have fruits, but his mother says, "If they remained at home"
You say, "No!" and they run everywhere. They are very stupid. They have great pay and they are not so nice. There are ten children.
The mother says, "Come back to them!" and they say, "No, never! Ahahaha!"
The smallest girl runs from the village. Tonight, the mother will look for their children and she would find nine. The girl who is not so stupid, very intelligent, they would find another family. You'll be glad.

I feel like there's something almost poetic about using such simple language. Although that's not why I do it. I do it because I don't know enough german to get any more complex.

Love always,
Clara

wolves

Chris

did u know after mating, wolves stay locked together for almost 30 minutes?

me

really?

that is an interesting fact

haha

Chris

yeah

unless you see it in practice while eating dinner

its very off-putting

Umm okay then. I sort of want to ask. But then again... I'm definitely not going to.

I wish I could set up a poll on blogger. Math vs. Maths.

Also, Ass vs. Arse.

Commenters, I summon thee. Battle it out.

Love always,
Clara

please, do it for the shopping carts

Your Shopping Cart is empty.
Your Shopping Cart lives to serve. Give it purpose--fill it with books, CDs, videos, DVDs, toys, electronics, and more.

(via Amazon.com)

I've been poking around amazon.com looking for a used flipcam (Changecam/Obamacam broke! It's terrible), but for a lot of things on Amazon you have to put them into your cart before you can see the price. So that's how I got to that screen.

The reason I'm suddenly acutely feeling the loss of the darling Changecam is that I've started vlogging again! Or, it's probably too soon to say whether I'll continue with it, but I vlogged yesterday and enjoyed it!

My new computer, which is coming in a few weeks, will have better video-editing software than Patrick, so I really want to put that to good use. Which is better done with a functional camera.

I'm thinking of naming the new Macbook (pro!) Sandy, in keeping with the Spongebob Squarepants theme. After all, she'll be smarter than Patrick, and she's a squirrel living underwater, much like an American living in Europe, and isn't that a great metaphor for life?

Of course, I can't make this decision until I meet her. Or him. I don't even know the baby's sex and I'm thinking of names.

My god, when I have real children, it's going to be weird.

Anyway, you can see the vloggingness here as well, but yesterday's video was basically a restatement of the ass/arse musings yesterday. So it's a redundant vlog, if you're here already.

Regardless:

Don't worry, blog babies. I will still tend to you daily.

That sounded weird. I think vlogging makes me weirder.

Or not.

Hmmmm.

Sourabh: What does this word mean?

Herr M: Human. You know, like, made out of meat and bones? and mortal?

German class was weird today. Actually, it's always weird.

Love always,
Clara

stress is lame.

While studying the eating behavior of San Francisco Junior League women and their husbands, Friedman and Rosenman discovered that the women consumed as much cholesterol and fat as their husbands did, yet they were far less susceptible to heart disease. . . . The Junior League president thought she knew the answer: "It's the stress they have to face in their businesses, day in, day out," she said sadly. "Why, when my husband comes home at night, it takes at least one martini just to unclench his jaws."

Note to self: Move to San Francisco, join Junior League. I wish it were still okay for women to not-have-stress.

That sounds like a terrible postfeminist the-handmaid's-tale thing to say, but isn't anyone tempted to spend their adulthoods making cookies and serving tea?

Not that I'm against having a career. Careers are nice. But they're stressful. And I don't want to be stressed out my whole life.

I wonder how those men felt though, thinking that they had to be the stressed ones because their wives were too frail/stupid/whatever-fueled-sexism-those-days. If I'd been a working man in the 1950s, I would have been jealous of my wife.

Love always,
Clara

and I'm the dumbarse?

I'm talking to Robert while he writes an essay. That's always fun.

Robert
i'll need you for the limitations paragraph later on
me
i don't know anyting about heart transplants
Robert
you are admitted to a hospital right?
me
well yes
heart transplant is not something they can do in your living room
Robert
it was about the usage of the word admitted
dumbarse
me
hahahaha ohhh
and i'm the dumbarse?
at least i know how to speak english

You know what bothers me? People who say "arse." It used to seem sort of cool and british but a bit annoying. Then I discovered something. It's not pronounced "Arse" when people who are legitimately foreign say it. It's pronounced "ass". But they think the way Americans say "ass" sounds overly nasal, so they threw an R into the word.
So "Arse" isn't a word. And if you say "Arse" and pronounce the R, you're being silly. The 'R' is not supposed to be there. "Arse" is a word that people with accents made up so that they could say the word "Ass" and still sound a bit pretentious.

[Yes, I'm aware that to them, I have an accent, and I'm aware that there are about two hundred other flaws with my argument, but the basic point is, do not let me hear you say 'ARRse' because I will do this whole rant all over again, to your face, with feeling]

Love always,
Clara

wake up in the morning...

Feeling like Karen O or something. Or this girl:

Minus the random muscular display. Also, tired.

This post has two parts:

1. I overslept this morning.

My alarm went of at 7:06 as usual and I got up and turned it off and I might have even had a conversation with my dad. And then I went right back to sleep and suddenly it was 7:30 and I was still in bed and I had to be out of the house and fed by 7:54. So that was fun.

I threw on clothes and realized what I was wearing (a shirt-dress-thing that I bought at Fall Frolics in 10th grade [hey do you guys remember that? Isabella? Tree photos? Good times!]) really wasn't going to be sufficient in terms of covering-my-ass but I didn't have time to deal with that so I just wore it anyway. Which made this day a little more interesting.

I also had to sacrifice my morning coffee for the sake of time. So my oversleeping didn't make me energized or anything. It was such a waste. I'd much rather have coffee than oversleep.

2. Music!

I was randomly feeling hipster-ish today. So I ran around downloading 'hipster music' from all over the place. It is great fun.

Graveyard Girl - M83

Young Folks - Peter Bjorn and John

Dog Days are Over - Florence + The Machine

Just A Silhouette - Ex Lovers

Islands - The XX

Backyards - Broken Social Scene and Emily Haines (a.k.a. the girl from Metric)

Timshel - Mumford & Sons

So Far - Chris Garneau

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes

Blue Ridge Mountains - Fleet Foxes (Yeah, Virginia is pretty sweet, we know, indie music world)

Swimmers - Broken Social Scene

Far Away - Cut Copy

Bluish - Animal Collective

Stillness Is the Move - Dirty Projectors

So yeah that's basically what I did today.

Love always,
Clara

can differential equations bring romance?

I love Edward Burger so much.

I couldn't just type a transcription of this little rant. I had to post a link. Go there. Click.
This is what I get to watch every day.

Love always,
Clara

talking to strangers

Procrastination to the max, yo.
I've been playing with Omegle.

Stranger
hi

me
you are beautiful

quit your job

run away with me

into the sunset

Stranger
first off

my job pays too much
im a guy so im not beautiful

im handsome and dashing

me
oh even better

Stranger
lol

me
i'll just move in with you then, you dashing man with a high-paying job

marvelous.

That conversation got pretty weird pretty quickly after that point.

Stranger
a wild abra appeared!
me
did it?
damn it, all i've got is one of those damn pigeon things.
scratch!
Stranger
the wild abra used teleport
[Stranger has disconnected]

Pokemon nerdiness flashback. I used to love that game. I had it on my pink Gameboy Color. Good times.

Love always,
Clara

nostalgia and internet radio

Ironically, this bout of nostalgia has come about because I'm noticing something remarkable. I've begun to feel the same way about ISBerne as I did about Potomac last year. I did not know that was possible and I'm still not sure whether it's allowed.

I miss you guys though.

So here's a flashback.

Mom and I had a hilarious conversation last night. I think she'd had a drink tonight, and she's like me in that one drink is quite enough.

Mom: [says something quite frank that I will not repeat]

Me: Okay, this is where the conversation gets too open. I'm going to bed.

Mom: Goodnight.... DON'T TWITTER THAT!

I've been sorely missing Pandora lately (which doesn't work outside the US) so I've spent the last few days exploring the world of online radio. I'd say my favorite right now is Jelli. It's cool because you can vote for the songs you want to play. But the experience would be better if more people used it. So... spread the word!

One thing though- If you're on a mac, there's a plugin you might have to download, which Safari doesn't tell you about. If it doesn't play, try using Firefox and it'll send you through the process. From there it's pretty straightforward.

Come vote for good music with me!

Love always,
Clara

yall, next time there's a party, play this game

*Mom enters the room*

Mom: You know what we used to do when we were in our twenties?

Me: ... what?

Mom: When we were having a beer-party or something... we would play hide and seek!

Me: What?

Mom: Or that other game, sardines. This house would be perfect for that. We should have done it at Christmas!

*Mom leaves the room*

Going to the Fasnacht festivities today. I'm excited.

Listening to some music that Katie sent me. It's free, and it's made by some Yale kids, and I respect people more when they're smart, so listen to this album!

Love always,
Clara

i need to get out more.

I'm on a music thing.

I basically had another terrible physics-filled day.

New Theory - Washed Out
White Lines & Red Lights - Between the Trees
Save - The Rocket Summer
Compliment Each Other Like Colors - PlayRadioPlay!
Don't Quit! Not Quite! - HeyHiHello!
Fuck was I - Jenny Owen Youngs
Natural Disaster - Alexz Johnson
2 a.m. - Alexz Johnson
Your Eyes - Alexz Johnson

Yesterday was fun, once I got out of the house. Wolfman was a surprisingly entertaining movie. Chris, Thomas, Emily, Matt, and I went to see it, and the guys were all enthralled with the blood and such and I was freaking out over the Romantic themes and symbols ("oh my god! The candle! It's like the lamp! Illumination! Knowledge! This is where the revelations are going to happen!" "Okay. Do you think there's going to be an epic wolf-fight at the end?"). It was great.

The movie let out at like, 7, so we grabbed some food and met up with people. It's Fasnacht. Which is a weird swiss holiday in which adults dress up in costumes and marching bands hang out and play contemporary songs (such as ABBA medleys). It was crazy but awesome.

And today I stayed inside all day long and it sucked.

There's a lesson here.

Love always,
Clara

awkward walk-by

This happened to me yesterday.

I was walking with my mom around town. We were hungry. We were looking for lunch. And I see Connor, a freshman at ISBerne whom I'm acquainted with, but I wouldn't say we're best friends or anything.

This is basically what happened:

1. We see each other (walking toward each other on the sidewalk)
2. I wave.
3. He says hi. I say hi.
4. He asks how I am. I say fine and ask the same.
5. We are still walking in our original directions.
6. I cannot hear him answer because I've walked away.

It was really awkward. But it was the sort of thing where I had two options.

1. Keep walking (as I did)
2. Stop and try to have a conversation.

The thing is, had either of us stopped, we would have been in the middle of a pretty busy sidewalk, and we wouldn't really have had anything more to say besides "Hey, how are you, fine thanks," etc etc. And then after about five seconds the mutual discomfort would get overwhelming and we'd have a really awkward "well.. see you monday I guess" (shouted over the noise of the city, obvi) and we'd go our separate ways again.

So what was I supposed to do?! What's the right choice?!

Inevitable awkwardness.

Love always,
Clara

ugh world exploding fail

Honestly, physics is going to kill me. This is a problem. I usually like physics.

But I just spent three hours doing the theoretically easiest lab on the planet (accelerations of things on ramps. Hooray for that).

I blame technology.

DID YOU KNOW:

• Microsoft Excel doesn't let you change the x-axis of your graphs? You can change the "labels" but it doesn't change the values. Your y-values are ALWAYS EVENLY SPACED, EVEN WHEN THAT MAKES NO SENSE IN CONTEXT.
• Microsoft Word doesn't like letting you shrink your charts a little, so they always take up a page and a half when it's wholly unnecessary?
• I need to check my email more often?
• I'M STRESSED OUT OF MY MIND RIGHT NOW?

I can feel the stress. Literally. It's in my neck. I need a massage. Right now. But no time for that. I need to do work!

But I've been working for three hours and I'm burned out and I just want to print this thing and we're out of paper anyways.

I'm seeing a movie with people tonight.

That'll be nice.

Love always,
Clara

the red light's really just a suggestion

Me: Mom, the light was red.

Mom: Only if you're going left.

Me: We're going left.

Mom: Well, we are now.

The only other way to go left was to turn straight into a building. I think mom has some trouble with traffic laws.

I'm going ice skating today! I'm so excited. I love ice skating. I'm not especially good at ice skating, but I like to do it, and that's what counts!

I wish I were in lower school again. My philosophy fits in so much better there.

Love always,
Clara

what do i want to be when I grow up?

I was hanging out with Matt the other day, and we got to this topic. He wants to be a policeman.

But what a terrifying question.

A list of things that I can see myself doing happily:

• I could own a business. Preferably something cute. Cupcake bakery. Bookstore. I'd love to be like that girl in 'Stranger than Fiction' with the anarchist bakery (although I'd have to become an anarchist)
• I could be creative. I love photography. I love writing. I love music (but I really don't see that going anywhere, unfortunately). I could write a column for a newspaper. I could write a book. I could write columns, and then put these columns into a book, accompanied by my original photography! So many options!
• I could teach. I like kids. I especially like smart kids, so I'd have to teach the advanced classes or something. I feel like I could pull off teaching english or math or something. There was a point in my life when I wanted to be a high school guidance counsellor but I can't remember why.
• Going into advertising could be fun, but it could also be frustrating. I'm not a huge fan of working with other people (or, rather, relinquishing control to the less-qualified-by-my-standards) (yes I know how terrible that sounds).
• Honestly, I'd be happy with a few kids, as long as I could write at the same time, teach them things, and possibly put them to work in my cupcake bakery. I'm really excited to nerdify my children.

All of this is coming from a girl who would have told you ten years ago that her favorite subjects were math and science.

Yikes.

Too many options.

Not enough clear choices. No sure-bets.

This is like the college search all over again. I'm probably getting started too early, and falling in love with a lot of great options, and having no safeties, because I refuse to settle for anything less than what I deserve.

It worked out okay in terms of college.

In terms of a career, I might be screwed by my high standards for my own happiness.

Oh well. Better than the alternative, right?

Love always,
Clara