I've been writing about it, of course, in the moleskine I bought last december, quite a bit, and that's been getting me absolutely nowhere. So today I put on my thinking cap.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm tired of it because I'm jealous and insecure. This, I think, is the fact that has been coloring my days lately. I'd rather it not do that, but I'd also rather it not be true, because all of it is depressing and frustrating.
I'd be okay with everybody else's couples if I had some kind of boy whose jacket I could steal to stay warm as well, but I don't and that's the fact of the matter. On one hand I know I'm a bit too picky to go around saying "Oh I just want a boyfriend!" because I instantly deem 95% of the guys who approach me unworthy (creepy, dumb, has obviously misinterpreted my absentminded swaying on the dance floor for something sexy, although how that might happen is a mystery). I don't want someone whose greatest merit is their willingness to date me. At the same time, though, if there were someone who wanted me me, who at least I could hold as evidence of my potential to be wanted, I would probably feel better about the whole situation.
If I think about it long enough, the wormhole of irrational thoughts opens up and sucks me in. It would be easy to say that it's freshman year and no one is looking for a relationship, but evidence to the contrary is mounting. I at least thought I had this excuse for when my personal attempts at human contact fell through, but that doesn't seem to be the case either (it seems a boy I had a thing with is now with someone else in a way that is more legitimate than the way in which he had that thing with me. Also, college hookups need a new vocabulary).
So that begs the question, what's so wrong with me?
There are a thousand answers to that question (I'm weird, sometimes I stutter, I don't care much for quiet dignity, I can't dance) but none of them suffice. As David and I discussed yesterday over our world-domination plans, we both have pretty big egos. I actually think I'm pretty fantastic (and beautiful and smart and interesting and worth being around, goddamn it).
It's just that it's hard to remember all of that when I'm at the spring weekend concert, and to my left and right there are friends of mine making out with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and in front of me is a boy who is looking for his new ladyfriend, trying to see over my head, and I'm just standing there.
I woke up this morning with these ridiculous thoughts in my head and couldn't go back to sleep, so now I'm getting them out in hopes that they'll stay out, or open a dialogue between myself and the world about these matters, and maybe the world and I can sort some things out.
Love always,
Clara
Everyone is coupling up and I'm tired of it because I'm jealous and insecure. This, I think, is the fact that has been coloring my days lately. I'd rather it not do that, but I'd also rather it not be true, because all of it is depressing and frustrating.
I'd be okay with everybody else's couples if I had some kind of boy whose jacket I could steal to stay warm as well, but I don't and that's the fact of the matter. On one hand I know I'm a bit too picky to go around saying "Oh I just want a boyfriend!" because I instantly deem 95% of the guys who approach me unworthy (creepy, dumb, has obviously misinterpreted my absentminded swaying on the dance floor for something sexy, although how that might happen is a mystery). I don't want someone whose greatest merit is their willingness to date me. At the same time, though, if there were someone who wanted me me, who at least I could hold as evidence of my potential to be wanted, I would probably feel better about the whole situation.
If I think about it long enough, the wormhole of irrational thoughts opens up and sucks me in. It would be easy to say that it's freshman year and no one is looking for a relationship, but evidence to the contrary is mounting. I at least thought I had this excuse for when my personal attempts at human contact fell through, but that doesn't seem to be the case either (it seems a boy I had a thing with is now with someone else in a way that is more legitimate than the way in which he had that thing with me. Also, college hookups need a new vocabulary).
So that begs the question, what's so wrong with me?
There are a thousand answers to that question (I'm weird, sometimes I stutter, I don't care much for quiet dignity, I can't dance) but none of them suffice. As David and I discussed yesterday over our world-domination plans, we both have pretty big egos. I actually think I'm pretty fantastic (and beautiful and smart and interesting and worth being around, goddamn it).
It's just that it's hard to remember all of that when I'm at the spring weekend concert, and to my left and right there are friends of mine making out with their boyfriends/girlfriends, and in front of me is a boy who is looking for his new ladyfriend, trying to see over my head, and I'm just standing there.
I woke up this morning with these ridiculous thoughts in my head and couldn't go back to sleep, so now I'm getting them out in hopes that they'll stay out, or open a dialogue between myself and the world about these matters, and maybe the world and I can sort some things out.
Love always,
Clara
2 comments:
First sign of the rest of your life/the real world encroaching on the "young clara" bubble. Seen it, lived it.
Been too long. You know where to find me.
World answers not everybody needs a relationship to be happy (and this is not one of those sentences you simply say to ease your disappointment). This at least is my opinion.
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