So I was thinking about big scary storms, because in musical practice we had just done this exercise where basically you run around in the dark listening to thunder noises.
And in relation to that game, a friend of mine told this really intense story about a rainstorm (can't go into detail) and how that's why he's religious.
So I was thinking about God too. Or something.
And I was thinking about college, because we got our PSAT scores yesterday, and another friend of mine says she doesn't want to tell anyone where she's applying until like, june of senior year. At first I thought that was silly, but today I realized, that's the kind of thing you have a right to keep private. It's your future.
So I was thinking about my future, and I was freaking out. Like, I was driving, but I was basically paralyzed. Eyes on the road, breathing in and out, all I could do. And I see these leaves blowing around in the road the way they do in the wind, and with the headlights on them they looked like... spirits or something. And usually I'm comforted by the community of the road, but today it was like all the brake lights were angry at me.
So I was freaking out.
When I freak out, I go existential. It's all up to my perspective. So I thought,
Don't stress about your future. Tell yourself it doesn't matter.
But then I thought,
Hey wait no! I want my future to matter!
And then I thought about God again, because I had religion on the brain. And I thought,
If you perceive God, he exists. For you. And from an intangible thing like God, that's all you can ask I guess. Maybe I'll try this. Hm.
So I tried to say something to God. (Yes. That's right. I talk to myself in the car. All the time, actually). So I said "Hello God. Are you there? I don't think so... Oh well."
But then I realized, I'm not a christian. So that wasn't going to work. But I am a secular humanist, and I believe in the general goodness of the human population, with very few exceptions. So I figured I'd talk to that.
"Hello, good thing. World. Hey there. We've got some issues. I think you're pretty cool, this is established, but I have... a list of demands.
one- Please tip the odds in my favor. That would be greatly appreciated.
two- Listen to me. This is really for your benefit. I have some pretty interesting things to say. So give me a medium, please?
three- Get your act together. I can't be happy, no one can be happy if people are dying and polar bears are melting or whatever. So that's not okay.
four- Find me love, please. You put me here in this weird weird position of high school. Fix it.
Overall, I trust you. I do. Really. But you need to step it up, because I'm expecting a lot from you. You can do all this."
I don't think people are that confrontational to God. God would get pissed. I have a general inclination, though, to think the world can't hear me, so I'm just about safe from its wrath.
I guess the internet is the world.
Maybe all of these two hundred some posts so far have been prayers. Prayers and bulletins.
The blog is my friend. The world-good-thing is my best friend, who I can be mean to occasionally, only if it's being an idiot.
That may have been more of myself than I wanted to reveal... but it's too late now. I've typed it, I thought it out, and I am not ever going to hit backspace on that little rant.
Love always,
Clara
