words are hard

Today I sat at Starbucks for a little while and wrote some fiction.

According to Pauly J (and the rest of the field of semantics, as I understand it), when one says a sentence, it is essentially a function whose domain is the set of possible worlds, and range is the set of truth values (generally 0 or 1). Input a world, apply it to that sentence, and you will find out whether the sentence is true or false within that world.

The reason I bring this up is that I feel like when I write fiction (by this I mean real fiction and not just bastardized versions of true stories), I'm writing about my life in an alternate universe. I used to be made very uncomfortable by this, but I'm realizing now that that's exactly what fiction is. The words and sentences in a story are just picking out a world other than the one that we're living in.

I feel better about things now, but I still have some trouble with words. Some things are really hard to describe, I'm finding, and it all feels like it's on the tip of my tongue.

For example: You are sitting outside at a coffee shop in mid May, watching the men with cigars because you are wearing sunglasses and no one can hold you accountable for where your line of sight happens to fall. Cigar smoke catches the sunlight. What do you call that?

Or: You find out that two friends have encountered tension lately, and it strikes you that they've probably been inviting you around more often because your presence eases that tension, and it's not that you're being taken advantage of, exactly, but you certainly have a function that is to be served, and you're okay with it. Does that have a name?

Maybe: You discover that a new friend, once upon a time, was desired by someone that you used to desire, and you feel needlessly betrayed by both of them, even though you were out of the picture entirely when the whole affair took place. Is there a way to make this sensation make sense?

Or perhaps: You have the feeling that no one can hear you when you talk, because people seem to just carry on, and you're a little frustrated but it makes you want to quiet down, except then you're even easier not to listen to (since you're not saying anything). Are there no words for this? Is that perhaps the point?

These are the things I am trying to describe in my story, kind of. I'm finding it difficult. The only conclusion that I can come to is that words are hard.

Love always,
Clara