The EPIC story of Daphne and Apollo

I have a latin test tomorrow.

Here, let me summarize the poem of Daphne and Apollo:

Apollo had defeated a serpent and had some kind of rush of testosterone or whatever. So he saw cupid with his love-arrows and talked some shit, which was not appreciated by cupid, whose power was underestimated. And Cupid said "oh snap you just wait, I will mess you up" and fluttered away to the top of a mountain.

From that mountaintop, he shot two arrows. The golden love arrow was for Apollo, and the lead anti-love arrow was for Daphne, nymph daughter of Peneus, river nymph.

(Daphne is almost always referred to by her father's name, which probably pisses her off, because she's one of those uber-feminists).

So Daphne decides she wants to be like Diana (ironically Apollo's twin sister) and go live in the woods and hunt animals WITHOUT MEN around. She wants to be an unmarried virgin forever, so she pleads with her father (and in my sick mind she kind of seduces him, which is so backwards, but the description implies a kind of father-daughter relationship that I am unfamiliar with) and he finally promises her she can be a virgin forever, even though he wants little tiny Peneuses running around.

The thing about that is that according to Ovid, she is too pretty to be a virgin (In the words of Will, she must get married, or someone will rape her). Ovid was kind of weird. He changes his position on feminism like, every few lines. Or maybe he was just particularly in touch with the weird roman culture. Romans were weird.

Then Apollo chases her. And while he's chasing her, he's trying to reason with her, seeing as he is a very rational god. And she runs away, because she really would prefer not to be married/raped. Apollo, sick bastard, admires her limbs as she's running, and imagines how pretty her hair would look if she maybe added some styling product like he must, because his curly locks are always gorgeous.

At some point, when Apollo's getting close, Daphne asks her father to save her. So he turns her into a tree. A laurel tree.

Apollo won't quit though. He decides he loves the tree, and gives it all these honors. Like I said, sick.

I blame Apollo too much though. It's really all Cupid's fault.

Although Apollo brought that on himself. You don't mess with love.

Love always,
Clara