6.14.2010

red vs. blue

Today was red blue day. We (blue, of course) dominated.
I was about to make some snarky comment about how we always dominate and then I realized this was the first time we've won in like, 4 years.
So maybe it wouldn't be justified.

Blogging about red blue day reminded me of vlogging about red blue day and so I'm going to embarrass myself



Feel free to check out the comments on that beauty... they're priceless.

Speaking of random flashbacks, Daphna and I just had this conversation on facebook-
Daphna
i was going through random old things and apparently you said this at some point in time: "Oh I have a hilarious story about Hannah Montana and nihilism and my friend's brother by the way."
Me
hahahahahahaha
i think i remember what that was about
no joke. beginning of sophomore year.
It had to do with John Gee, High School Musical 2, and the fact that I'd just come home from existentialist camp.

I feel like I'm catching this nostalgia bug that's been going around. Justifiably so.
Tomorrow is the last day of school as I know it.
Yikes.

There's always Phil to take my mind off things. He does so by engaging me in fascinating discussions about the purpose of organized religion.
Phil
god invented confession so christians could run around and have wild orgies with midgets and animals and not feel bad about it
Me
I see, I see
Love always,
Clara

6.13.2010

the pre-graduation frenzy

Did I not blog for two days? Maybe it was just one. In any case, I feel very guilty for that. Two days ago my parents came back into town, so I stayed in that night and chilled with them. I definitely could have blogged two days ago, and I'm just not sure whether I did, so, if I didn't, that's why.
Yesterday was full to the brim with shopping for dresses and getting one's nails done (in a beautiful turquoise color) and going to graduation parties. So that was chill but a little bit insane in its own way.
Today there was a brunch and I ate a fantastic waffle.
Tomorrow is red blue day and red is going down. And we'll get our yearbooks.
Tuesday is the last day of school, of high school, or even k-12 school, ever. Which is completely mind-blowing.
And then there's Wednesday. Graduation day.
That's essentially what's been going on. Apologies if I'm missing in action a bit. There are a lot of real-life obligations that I have to attend to first.

Love always,
Clara

6.10.2010

oh, potomac kids.

Merritt: Sorry about my brother.
Me: Oh, don't worry about it. I was there when your mom was pregnant with this kid.
Wyatt: Really?
Me: Yep! The world did exist before you were born, hard as that is to believe.
Wyatt: Well it must have been awful...
Me: Spoken like a true Potomac student.

Keep in mind, this kid is ten. Maybe.

The rest of the senior project presentations were today. It was phenomenal. I was going to say, who knew Potomac kids were so talented? and then I realize that oh, wait, we all did.
I love our hubris though. I really do.

Senior project presentations, in general, were pretty great. Or, at least, they led to some pretty awesome quotes with minimal context:

Matthew (having worked on a vineyard): I'll be there this summer. I know none of us are of age but.... If any of you guys want to come out and... have a glass of water... it's a great place for a glass of water.

Brian did his project on squash training. It seems he basically worked out and stretched and ate all the time. Cool? (Athleticism in other people will never cease to astound me)

Taylor: Was that like, fun?
Brian: Well, I mean, sitting on the foam roller for like, an hour got boring after a while...
David: You mean the massage was the not fun part?!

My thoughts exactly, David.

Some of the people in my group blogged about their projects! If you want to see the stunning diversity in senior projects, check out these links (and a video!)-



Love always,
Clara

6.09.2010

the damp tuxedo

I had my senior project presentation today. It was super. Then I bought some shorts that aren't booty shorts.

Me: I'm really glad I found these non-obscene shorts.
Cath: I'm sure I speak for my entire family when I say, I'm glad you found them too.

Apparently the shorts I was wearing last week (because I had been trying to get a tan! My god...) deeply scandalized Sam. Puritains these days.

Now I'm talking to David.
Me
have you heard from mfost?
David
haha yeah nice nicknamae
Me
(i call her that in my head sometimes)
David
cool, do you call me dwi?
Me
i call you the damp tuxedo
David
WAY BETTER
Oh, so, I got my graduation dress altered. And today they called me to say that it was done and ready (and I love it that much more now) but I didn't pick up, so I got these two mysterious missed calls on my phone.
So I called back.

Phone: Mclean Cleaners
Me: Sorry?
Phone: Mclean Cleaners, can I help you?
Me: Oh, I understand why you've called! Okay. Never mind. I get it now.
Phone: What?
Me: I had a missed call from this number...
Phone: Who are you?
Me: Clara Beyer?
Phone: Oh, your dress is ready.
Me: I know!

I don't know why I made that so awkward/difficult. The guy was clearly very confused. I could have just carried on like a normal person.
But why would I do that?

Love always,
Clara

6.08.2010

summer songs

I've been downloading music left and right.
By left, I mean iTunes, and by right, I mean various music blogs discovered on hype machine.

Feel it in my Bones (feat. Tegan and Sara) - Tiesto
Playground Love (Air cover) - Phoenix
Opposite of Adults - Chiddy Bang
Everlasting Light - The Black Keys
The Difference Between Us - The Dead Weather
Rill Rill - Sleigh Bells
My Radio (AM Mix) - Stars
Sunlight - The Harlem Shakes
Generator (First Floor) - Freelance Whales
Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire
Death to Death - Stars
The Kids - B.o.B
I"m Not Your Toy - La Roux

Also, the Eclipse soundtrack leaked. The news about this made me curious so I checked it out. I'm realizing with a little bit of joy and a little bit of horror that it's got all of these artists that I love on it. Metric? Florence and the Machine? Vampire Weekend? What?

I'm not pretending I own Florence. But think with me, for a second, about the implications of this. My sister loves Twilight and all things related. She's going to listen to this album on repeat for at the very least a week. And suddenly she'll be introduced to the amazing musical sensations of hearing Metric for the first time (the doctor, the writer, the garbage collector, fingerprinted waiting for the train, lord lord mother, we're all losing love, lord listen lover, we're all missing mama) and what if she likes it?
One part of me says, of course she'll like it. It's great.
Another part of me says, if she likes it, she will have stolen my taste in music by means of trend-following, which I cannot respect.
And a third part of me says that she might just pretend to like it because it's got Robert Pattinson on its album art, and maybe she'll keep on listening to Green Day or whomever it is she likes these days, while proclaiming that The Black Keys are brilliant.
Which, by the way, I've decided they are.

Ugh. This awakens a whole new set of dilemmas.

On a lighter note, check this out:



Love always,
Clara

6.07.2010

lottery time

I just entered the lotteries for First Year Seminars and the Curricular Advising Program next year! I'm really excited about the ones I signed up for so I'm just going to post them right now.

First Year Seminars
  1. Fiction I (Literary Arts)
  2. Exploring the Fourth Dimension (Math)
  3. Empowering Youth: Insights from Research on Urban Adolescents (Education)
Curricular Advising Program
  1. The Meaning of Life (Philosophy)
  2. Personality (Cognitive Sciences)
  3. Digital Art (Modern Culture and Media)
Essentially I entered a lottery for every major I might be considering.
Doesn't it all sound so cool?
College is going to be the greatest thing ever.

Aside from the awesomeness (yeah my vocabulary is definitely Ivy League material thanks for asking) of studying the fourth dimension, college is going to be phenomenal. I'm so looking forward to not having to check in with parents or foster parents or whatever. If I want to come home at 2AM, I will. If I feel the desire to go to the library at the crack of dawn (these are all hypotheticals, obviously), I can do that.
Hooray for college.

So excited. But right now, I should be reading. So I'm going to do that.

Love always,
Clara

6.06.2010

the basketcase

I'm talking to Daphna about the mess that is my life as of right now.
Me
i'm a basketcase
seriously
i should be institutionalized
Daphna
a cute basketcase
or ivy league institutionalized
Me
haha
maybe brown will be my institution
like, my mental institution
as well as ivy league
maybe it will be both!
Daphna
im sure they have good mental health services
just saying.
it worked for lena chen.
Me
good call, good call
Daphna
oh god, not that shes an example to model your college life on.
For those unaware, Lena Chen is the author of Sex and the Ivy and the Ch!cktionary. She's actually one hell of a feminist, but also a bit of a slut, which is not the route I necessarily plan to travel.

Here's a thought- narratives. Such as, the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. Memories, of course, aren't actual transcripts of events-- our interpretations are pretty influential in how we end up recalling things. So the way we tell ourselves our own stories shapes our reality.
But what happens when your narrative and reality simply don't correspond in a meaningful way?
We choose our narratives a lot based on what's easiest to believe. Which is a healthy human psychological phenomenon- it's part of the unconditional positive regard for ourselves that most mentally stable people have. (Lack of the unconditional positive regard is a symptom of depression, as I understand it).
But what if your narrative and reality differ in such drastic ways that people end up alienated?
How to resolve the narrative-reality dissonance?

Changing the narrative is inconvenient. It means you have to reevaluate your life, and all of the events between the time you formed this narrative and the present. That's a lot of work and a lot of thinking. But... what if you have to?

This is what I've been thinking about lately. Narratives are interesting. I want to know more about them- their adaptive qualities, and their destructive qualities. Flip sides of the same coin.
I like pretending my own life is some kind of microcosm for the world, be that in psychological terms, or moral terms, or whatever other terms.
Maybe that's because within my narrative, I'm the center of the world? And what is real in my world is real for all of the world, because all of the world is my world?

Maybe I'll be a philosophy major.

Love always,
Clara

6.04.2010

cool links! boring blogger

I'm just going to post some links to things, because today was decidedly uneventful (except that I had a turkey burger at Chicken Out and read a bit. Oh wait, that's not an event.)

A blog about cognitive biases and other things that make you not so smart.

Sarah Palin, unedited.

It's like word association, but the opposite, and hilarious. I'd almost forgotten about this song.

Reasons I love Jezebel, episode #73

Erm that's it. Sorry I'm Boring.

Love always,
Clara

6.03.2010

in which i use the word 'integrity' twice

I had a dream last night that I'd just arrived at Brown and I was rushing for a sorority, and they gave me all these forms with really stressful questions on them, and then once I finished the forms they told me that I'd filled out the wrong ones.
Then something happened with ladders. Or windows?
Dreams are hard to remember clearly and even harder to explain in any coherent way, but here I am trying.

I essentially spent the whole day out reading. Started at Greenberry's, stayed there for a while, then walked over to the Subway near there. The guy at the cash register was cute. We flirted briefly. I felt like an eighth grader. Then I sat in Subway and read for about an hour. At which point Eleni texted me and invited me to work with her at Java Shack, so I hopped in my car (his name is Benny, by the way, and he's a white volvo S40) and headed over.
We sat there for a while in relative silence, me reading, her taking an "Integrity Quiz" on which she scored 100%.
And then there was a thunderstorm, and I drove her home, and then Mackenzie and I had dinner or appetizers or something.

I've had good luck with my mix CDs lately. I think this one is charmed, and I'm going to hold on to it for situations where I need a charmed mix CD.

I believe in some pretty crazy shit. Such as charmed mix CDs and cars with names and personalities. But all of it has worked for me so far.
I also believe I live a basically charmed life, like that song that was popular in like, sixth grade, but my life is less saccarine than the song.

Also, for the record, I've been called naive and blindly optimistic.
Just so that I can present both sides of the story.
Journalistic integrity is totally my forte.

Love always,
Clara

6.01.2010

"seize that pile of crap"

I'm talking to David about Senior Project presentations.

David: Clara, you and I have been blessed with many talents, the best of which possibly being the ability to ramble on about bullshit for extended periods of time.

I'm thinking I'm going to dedicate a slide of my slideshow to the fact that I've become a regular at Greenberry's.

I spelled Baccalaureate right on the first try in my calendar, which led me to wonder about the etymology of such a word. And here is where I landed.

Me: So they used to orate... sermons. Like Mr. C.
David: I would love him to be my minister.
Me: Me too. If I had a church, it would be the church of Cobb.

I finished a book in one day today. It was A Short History of Women and I highly recommend it if you are a woman of if you are into women or even if you are a gay man, maybe you would like it anyway. Point is, if you ever encounter women in your life, you should read this. And for those monks who haven't seen a woman in years because they meditate all day, they should read it so they know what they're missing.

David: I don't want to say we were thrifty because we stayed at the Ritz.

Hanging out with Vivian and Leo the other night was awesome. They are a great family.

Leo: They have a bad reputation, but there is so much cargo potential in airships! They sort of missed the boat, no pun intended, on passenger travel, but they can lift so much. I'd just need some money to get the idea off the ground, so to speak.
Me: *giggles* That was an awesome pun.
Vivian: I don't get it.
...
Me: I'll be sure to invest in your Hindenburgs.
Leo: I resent that.

I love living in a house where the 7th grader correctly uses the word 'incorrigible'. I feel like that wouldn't happen in Switzerland. I hadn't realized how privileged I was over here until I left.
Regardless, people with big vocabularies are great.

Love always,
Clara

5.29.2010

breaking and entering

That aside, my weekend was great. Actually, I guess it wasn't a weekend. More of a Thursday-Friday-Saturday. Which is funny because other people had to go to school.

Driving down was awesome. There's something about highway driving that I just love. Especially when there isn't traffic. It's sort of calming.
We relied on my awesome sense of direction to navigate, because I was confident that I knew the drive like the back of my hand, until we got to the right neighborhood, at which point I had written down the names of the relevant streets (but not which direction to turn on them).
That worked well.

We ended up seeing a driveway that Katie and I were certain was correct. As we were driving down, we kept saying how familiar it looked, and that one time in eighth grade, Isabel drove down this very driveway, because it was so long and isolated that letting a 13 year old drive was a totally okay thing to do.
We figured we were early when there was only one other car there. It still seemed weirdly quiet. I think Isabella knocked on the door.
After about a minute, an elderly gentleman stuck his head out of another door.

Man: Come on in! We're over here!

We all assumed, perhaps this is Isabel's grandfather. We walked around and came inside, to this man's study.

Man: So, what brings you here?

At this point, we're assuming he's senile. We all introduce ourselves, and he asks where we're from. We answer. We make small talk. Eventually, someone asks, "Where are Grier and Isabel?"
Man: What? Forgive me, I can't hear you.
Katie: Grier and Isabel?
Man: Speak up.

This goes on for a while. Then his wife comes in.

Wife: Hello! Welcome! What are your names?

If we had doubted that we were in the right place before, now we knew. She was so welcoming; of course she was Isabel's grandmother or something. She was just so happy to see us! Until...

Wife: So, what brings you here?

At which point, we all realize that we are not in the right house, and that we've spent ten minutes making small talk with complete strangers, who have welcomed us with literally open arms into their home.
They were lucky we weren't crazy criminals or something. If they were robbed, they'd probably be excited to have the company.

So that was awkward.
We managed to get out, and down the right driveway. Eventually.

So much for my awesome sense of direction.

Me: Where would we be without floors?

Love always,
Clara

5.27.2010

(both him and the lingerie)

That clause was just typed. I will not provide context, because it will only be disappointing.

Daph and I are talking. Which is always awesome.
I've taken to being vain about my last.fm profile. It really annoys me that Ke$ha is on my most played artists in the past 6 months. I know that as soon as we're six months from January (the era of the 80s dance) that'll drop off, but it bothers me regardless.
So right now I'm listening to Jack's Mannequin essentially so that they can usurp her place.
And because I like Jack's Mannequin.

Tomorrow I depart for a far away land, where I won't have my computer, so don't expect me to blog.
First, though, I have a doctor's appointment in georgetown. Which means I'm going to Georgetown Cupcake and getting their free flavor. I love being thrifty.

I just made an epic mix cd for the purposes of my long drive tomorrow. It's a great mix.

These are all sort of non-sequiturs.

I finished a book today that may or may not have contained a tiger. It was a great book, although I have no idea what was really going on. It's wild. Chronic City, if you're interested.

Also, I went to dinner near Tenleytown today. I am feeling so competent at navigating DC. Even without Garmin!
Being competent is great.

Erm that's all.

Love always,
Clara

5.25.2010

old things

I'm listening to "I Want You to Know" by Chantal Kreviazuk right now. I loved this song in eighth grade. Actually, most of my music taste in eighth grade was very heavily influenced by the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants soundtrack.
I am just remembering this now.

At the end of eighth grade, I had a sentimental streak. I started making all of these tribute slideshows to my friends, and I never showed any of them to anyone, but windows movie maker and I spent a lot of time together. I don't think I even saved them when I got Patrick (freshman year). Shortly thereafter, my old IS laptop died, and I think with it died those videos.
That's a shame. I'd have loved to watch them. Where was I even getting pictures of people? We weren't on facebook in those days.

I used to stay up late talking to people online.
Oh wait, I still do that.
But these were like, pleasantly random people, people I never talked to much in real life, but always sort of wished I had.

I was weirdly sad to see eighth grade go. I was pretty sad to see ninth grade go, too. Tenth grade, I was just done with, and I wanted it over, now. Then I dragged my feet as much as I could last year, mostly because I was moving, and didn't want to, and now I'm at the end of high school, and I feel like senior year has already ended and now we're all in this weird pre-graduation limbo.
And I hardly recognize my eighth grade self.
And I started that recollection in eighth grade, because seventh grade feels way too foggy to say anything relevant or true about. So that's pretty trippy.

Except obviously I still have a sentimental streak, because right now I'm listening to Chantal Kreviazuk and blogging about the old times.
Hm.

Love always,
Clara

5.24.2010

new music monday!

My mentioning the day of the week in the title of this post seems to imply that I'll have new music every monday. I assure you, this is not the case; I simply have a fondness for alliteration. Actually, I realized today, that it's been almost a month since I've had a real, serious, music binge.

First, let me link you to this. Listen to it. Right now.

I invented that name for it. Where I found it, it was called the a capella version, but that is misleading. Also, it reminds me of music one would hear at a flower shop.

Also, I downloaded a big bunch of music between yesterday and today!

Cello Song (Nick Drake cover) - The Books
Don't Think Twice It's Alright (Bob Dylan cover) - Metric
Tipsy In The Sun - The White Panda
Praise Outkast - The White Panda
Don't Break My Heart - B.o.B
Not Lost (Feat T.I.) - B.o.B
Toxic (16 Bit Dubstep Remix) - Yael Naim
Punkroses - Daft Punk + Outkast
A Juicy Intro (Ha! Yes Remix) - Notorious B.I.G. + the XX
Islands is the Limit - Notorious B.I.G. + the XX
Bad Romance (Lady GaGa Cover) - Lissie
Gregory and the Hawk (Protohype Remix) - Boats and Birds
VCR (the XX cover) - The Antlers
Buzzin Ft. Wale (DJ Skeet Skeet & Cory Nitta Remix) - Shwayze
And, of course,
I Gotta Feeling (Black Eyed Peas Cover) - I Am Noxious

Basically, I've got a cover/remix fetish (or I've been spending all of my time listening to hypem). It's awesome.

Love always,
Clara

5.23.2010

crazy shit like that

I'm just going to go ahead and quote this:
Reverend Sylvester Graham was a Presbyterian minister living in New Jersey in the 1820s. And, naturally, he believed people were way too horny. (You know how it was in the 1820s. Floozies walking around with their necks showing and shit. Not even a ragin' bout of consumption could stop all the courtship.)

I've been reading this website, 11 points, compulsively lately, once I felt like I'd run out of good material on Cracked.com.
I should be embarrassed at how good I am at procrastinating. I'm not.

Regardless, that made me laugh aloud. Figured I'd share.

Love always,
Clara

prom!



Last night! Prom! T'was fun.
The dinner beforehand was hysterical though.

Jessica: My sister told me good luck before I left. I was like, "for what?" and she said "You know, so you don't embarrass yourself."
Me: My sister said good luck too! Although she didn't go that far. I don't know what she meant by it. She was speaking through my father. It was a seance.
Will: She's dead?! What?

Also, the limo ride. That was a blast and a half (on the way to prom. On the way back, it was a car full of vaguely cranky people attempting to power-nap, except Sam).
Did you know that an acronym is only really an acronym if it spells a word? If you pronounce the letters, (e.g. CIA, UPS), it's an initialism. Sam was illustrating that point.

Sam: [seeing "SIEU" on the side of a building] SIEU. That's an initialism. Service industry...
Me: How do you know it's not an acronym? Sieu. Actually, that's not an acronym or an initialism or anything. That's a name.
Sam: No, it stands for service industry something union, I think
Me: Um, Sam, I know that guy. Jon Sieu. He's a friend of my parents and he owns that company. It's an energy firm of some sort, I don't know the details... I knew their offices were in the Dupont area. I guess this is it.
Sam: Really? I'm not sure whether to believe you.
Me: [giggles]

I've become a pathological liar. Also, a kleptomaniac.

I got a whole four and a half hours of sleep last night. It was fantastic. I slept from 6:30 to 11 AM. Then I hung out at Katie's house and tried to revive myself, and then Cath and I had coffee, and then I came back here and hung out in my sweatpants all day. Or, rather, all afternoon/evening, but it felt like the whole day to me.

Now my sleep cycle is crazy weird- it's 9:30 and I feel wide awake (for the first time all day).
Hm.

Love always,
Clara

P.S. The song in that video is a cover of "I Gotta Feeling" by I Am Noxious.

5.22.2010

prom prom prom

is tonight.
That'll be fun. I was telling my foster-mother Ms. V my plans for the night... she seemed actually slightly horrified. Her oldest child is thirteen, though, so it makes sense that she's not used to the idea of kids out past midnight, or past 2 a.m., or past any reasonable hour.
I can't wait until I'm in college and no one's waiting up for me. While I fully understand the reasons behind her wanting me to call every time I go somewhere, it'll be really great not to have to.

It occurred to me last night that high school is the same length as a presidency. I am definitely ready for this term to end.

Yesterday, Eleni and Jess and I got coffee in Arlington and did some work. This particular coffee shop, apparently, is where Eleni spends 99% of her time outside of school, so the regulars recognize her (I suppose she's a regular too).

Me: Knowing people is really cool.
Eleni: ... Yeah...

Which reminded her of a conversation she had with her mom on the phone the other day.

Ms. Z: That sounds so nice, going out, having friends...
Eleni: Yeah, having friends is nice, mom.

Anyway, I'm reading for a bit now, and then I'm going over to Isabella's and the prom madness will begin. And then it will not end. For 12 hours or something.
I'm going to need a lot of caffeine though. Last night I told myself to get a good night's sleep, but then I stayed up until 3 am for no good reason.

Whatever. Now I'm listening to Miley Cyrus. Soooo life is good.

Love always,
Clara

5.20.2010

i can't cook

I don't know whether it's the fact that I'm sleeping in an unfamiliar bed lately or what, but I've been having some crazy dreams.
Last night I dreamt that I was in a field crowded with cars, and there was a party, and I had to leave, and my parents were there? And someone was selling food from a van, or a trailer, or one of those things you see at carnivals, but I had to get to Brown, so I was trying to leave.
It was weird.

Dreams are really hard to describe.

I read a bunch today, and helped make a flourless cake. By "helped", I mean, whisked a bit, and cracked 6 eggs into a pot, managing to get shells in the mix, which Isabella then fished out with great urgency.
Just a day in the life.
Chris used to say he wouldn't trust me to make him a sandwich.

I do tend to do horrible things to sandwiches, though, so I guess it's fair.
I once had the brilliant (seeming) idea to toast my bread before making a peanut butter and jelly on it. I'm sure there's a way to do this without it being a complete failure, but I don't know that way. Did you know that peanut butter melts?
So that was a drippy mess.
I really didn't even know it was possible to mess up PB&J before that day.

One day, there will be a family relying on my skills in the kitchen, and that family might starve. I'd better marry someone who can cook. Or learn.

I do like cooking, but I do everything haphazardly. That's just my style- haphazard. And it works in a lot of ways, but I feel like cooking requires some precision or attention to detail or caring-whether-some-little-egg-shells-fall-into-the-batter. Some people breathe with precision. I'm not one of those.

Nick taught me how to marinate/grill shrimp last year. That was fun. And that didn't take much precision.
Maybe my family won't die. Or be horribly malnourished. That would be good, if I could avoid that.

Isabella's house has all of these "health-revolution" types of books in it now, due to her senior project.
I'm willing to bet none of the weight-loss-oriented books mention set-point theory. You know why? You can't make money telling people that if they're at a relatively healthy weight, and they eat in a reasonable way, they're probably going to stay that weight. I feel like culture has an idea of "good looking" which is on the thinnest end of healthy, and then an idea of "fat" which is definitely not healthy, and there is definitely a healthy range in between that sort of gets ignored except when these people are being recruited as "plus size" models, when they're not overweight.
That annoys me.
So there are all of these essentially-healthy people who think they need to lose weight to be "good looking" and it's a waste of time. And then there are actually overweight people, and I don't think they're reading books about green-foods-diets.

That's because I just assumed that all fat people are stupid.

I should stop criticizing society, when my own thoughts are so reprehensible.

But anyway, what I'm going to pretend I meant by that, is that generally if you're actually overweight, there are ways to cut down on food intake before you have to snap straight to drinking green smoothies (which, I will admit, are really good, if they're made right) with every meal. The ones who want to do that are likely eating pretty standard amounts to begin with.

This conversation just got awkward. I'm out of here.

Love always,
Clara

P.S. "Conversation"? Who the hell was I talking to?
P.P.S. "To whom the hell was I talking?" would be more grammatically correct.

5.19.2010

lefties in canada

I had a dream last night that some of the swiss kids and I were in a band, and someone offered us a record deal or something, but we had to make it to this party in Canada that someone was throwing for us. And I was in New York City with my family, and I figured, maybe I'd take the bus to Canada, but it's hard to find a bus to Canada. I wasn't even sure I was invited to this party though, so that was sort of awkward.
Then, for some reason, I had to become left handed, or maybe my mom did and I was just accompanying her, but in any case, we were sent to left-handed-training-camp, which involved... I don't remember. Climbing up something.
We learned about a boy who didn't have a left hand or something, or he couldn't be turned upside down, and something was going on with his teeth. I was told that his conversion to left-handed-ness took a lot of dedication.
There were magazines.

Love always,Clara

cougars

Me: Mom! I have standards!

Mom: Have you seen this show, Cougars? ... There's this mother on it, and she's always saying these horrible things to her son, and it reminds me of us.

Mom really didn't want me to blog that. Hah. We just skyped for a while. It was chill.

I just told David the story of why Grace should never have gotten into kindergarden. To get into kindergarden at our school, you have to know your phone number. I knew my phone number, so I got into first grade.
My mom knew that this was part of the standard rigorous-admission-procedures, and clearly she wasn't completely secure in my sister's abilities to really impress on this test. So she taught my sister a song of our phone number.
And in that critical moment, she hummed it.

And that, my dear readers, is why Grace got a good education. Lies and deception.

Quote without context-
David: Tiny David should have been a tiny-baby-model.

I'm telling David that I'm going to marry this kid I'm living with, since he's about the most adorable thing on the planet. Such a gentleman. He's in fourth grade.

David: I've dated my share of small children. But that was when I was a small child, so it was chill. Not like your situation.

So um, that's been today. I also finished my second book? Hooray for that.

Love always,
Clara

5.18.2010

your rules do not apply to me

I'd talk about today, but I spent five hours at Greenberry's taking a math exam. So... there really isn't much to say. Except that there was a problem about the rate at which a coffee shop sold cups of coffee, and I giggled to myself, because I too was at a coffee shop, not drinking coffee.
I just wasn't feeling the coffee thing today.

I actually started the math exam at the school library, since I needed a heavy-duty printer to release the 32 pages of madness that is my final. I figured I'd stay there for a bit, since it is a good working environment. I started listening to music on my phone, too, just for entertainment and morale's sake.

Fifteen minutes later...

Librarian: Hi, what are you listening to?
Me: *Flashes phone. It was on pandora. I had essentially interpreted her question as a friendly gesture. So I was not expecting what happened next*
Librarian: Oh, I see, well, you can't listen to music in here.
Me: What?
Librarian: Yeah, you'll have to take your headphones off.
Me: Oh... Okay.

So... I left.
Seriously, what was the point of that?
I had no obligation to be in the library. If I don't like their rules, I can leave. And honestly, who am I bothering by listening to music? It's not like I was using those horrible earbuds that blast sound everywhere except the intended listener's ears (I've begun to hate those).
I think she took issue with my flamboyant headphones, actually. They're turquoise. And awesome.
I'm a senior anyway. Didn't the rules stop applying to me like, a week ago? Or like, a year ago? Do I even go to this school?

And that's why I went to Greenberry's.

Anyway, tonight was our induction into the Alumni Association, although we are not yet alumni. It was a pretty chill event- good food, some charitably brief speeches, a chocolate fountain. You'd think I'd be so over fondue, after living in Switzerland for shy of a year, but... no. No I am not.
We also filled out these surveys that we'll get back at our five year reunion. A time-capsule of sorts. I'm looking forward to it.
I feel like there were a lot of time-capsules that we've put together over the years, and I'm hoping that at least one of them is revealed at graduation. I love that kind of thing.

Speaking of time capsules and things that are similar, I found this website a while ago that lets you write emails to your future self, and they deliver it at the predetermined time. It's pretty sweet.

Now I'm going to watch the Gossip Girl season finale and go to bed.
I like senior projects.

Love always,
Clara

5.17.2010

letting go

Reminds me of that Avril Lavigne album. Good times. Fourth grade.

Tonight was the "letting go" seminar, mandatory for seniors and "strongly recommended" for parents. My parents are far across the ocean so I am essentially a sad lonely orphan, but it was a pretty chill experience nonetheless.

They separated us into kids and parents at first, and had us all talk about what we would miss about the others, and what we wouldn't miss, et cetera.
Some highlights of that:
(parents will be in this color, seniors in this one)
Looking forward to...
  • Getting my life back
  • Eating the vegetables that I want to eat
  • Getting L _ _ d
That last one was articulated by Mr. Y as "finding new ways to be intimate with others."

Afraid of...
  • Big phone bills
  • I hope my wife still likes me
  • The "know it all zone" between 19 and 23
Sam: That's been my whole life!
John: We know, Sam.
  • Homesickness
  • Starving
  • A bed that is too small
  • Eating meals alone (an image that struck me as... poignant)
Going to miss about kids/parents...
  • Trying to give advice to you
  • Being kept up to speed on technology
  • Someone to watch reality TV with
  • Gossiping
  • Mom's cooking and fine choice of vegetables
  • Free money
  • Pets
Not going to miss about kids/parents...
  • Not having to cook vegan meals
  • Texting
  • "Rolling of the eyes"
  • Unexpected visits with nothing to say
  • Personal accountability
  • False accusations
  • True accusations
  • Hugs (harsh...)
Advice for the kids/parents...
  • Be attuned to life-altering changes
  • Do not share a toothbrush
  • Call your father every day
  • Don't call all the time
  • Get a hobby. Or a puppy.
  • Get off my sibling's back
  • Don't buy a house near school (only at Potomac...)
  • Don't expect to hang with us when we're back.
  • Don't get facebook.
Essentially, we students want to say, "Stay the hell away from us."

Thanks for...
  • Having my back
  • Gas money
  • not sending me to NCS
Then we all wrote down things on index cards that we wanted our parents/children to know, and they were all anonymously read out loud. It was more sentimental. Except David's.

"I just want you to know... that you can't touch this. (Da na na na na na). Also, I love you"

Just brilliant.

Love always,
Clara

5.16.2010

musicality

I realize my last.fm has been dead for the past few weeks. I've been mostly getting my music fix in the car lately (I'm back to making mix CDs! It's always reassuring to discover that some things have not lost their allure back here).

Anyway, I know you're devastatingly curious as to my music habits as of late, so here's a sample!












So yeah, that's what I've been into lately.
I acknowledge that this was a lazy blogpost.

Love always,Clara

5.15.2010

universitat

I've been stalking my "Admitted Students, class of 2014" facebook group.
I'm loving it.

Isabella and I went to see a movie today, and found ourselves at Nordstrom's. She always recognizes the designers, knowing what's a rip-off of what, and all of that. She's got very expensive taste.
I have pretty cheap taste. Or, rather, I hope I don't look cheap, but I get so much more pleasure out of buying my gorgeous prom shoes at Marshall's for $30 than spending more money and taking the easy way out.

Anyway, we started talking about college, and how awesome it's going to be. Something about high school is very judgmental, she said. And I agree. Although, I pointed out, judgementalness doesn't end in high school. Crazy social constructs always exist, and probably always will.
That said, there's just something about high school.
I think I said that in Switzerland, I wasn't worried about people judging me.
And then I think I took it back, because obviously that would have been a lie.
More accurately, I had to be content with their judgments, because they were judging me based on the present. Whereas I feel like a lot of people at Potomac judge each other based on the past. I still remember who slighted me in seventh grade, and I'd like to say I don't hold it against them, but every once in a while... I don't know. Some people don't seem like they've changed.
But I'm sure they have! I know they have! And the only reason they don't seem like it to me is because I keep perceiving them the way they were!
So that's my fault.

And we're all victims of it.
I showed up here in first grade, and to some degree I'm paranoid that Dori still thinks of me as that girl in Ms. Hirsch's class who peed her pants.
Because I totally did, and I know first grade was probably too old to be doing that sort of thing, because Dori sure set me straight.
And I don't hold it against her! Really! But, for the unacquainted with K-12 schools, imagine having a whole lifetime to build up little insecurities.

When I was in lower school, I had this (seemingly valid) hope that Potomac would sprout a college, so that I wouldn't have to leave.
Can you imagine what a nightmare that would be?

So here's to college, and to being judged based on who we are (and not who we were), so that we really have no right to complain.

Love always,
Clara

5.14.2010

homeless (with a harmonica)

I went to Old Town yesterday. Really don't know why I did that. Spent fifteen minutes pondering whether to break in to my old house (fools left their gate unlocked. Or rather, only locked on the old lock and not the new lock, so that I could open it if I stuck my arm through the bars. It's the way we used to do it, too. It's a good thing most criminals don't have bony wrists like mine and my mother's).
Knocked on the door instead. Had coffee.
It was weird.
I felt like a hobo, wandering in off the street. At least I was wearing a sundress. I don't think many hobos wear sundresses.

That happened to us once, a few months after we moved in. I was eight or nine, and we were moving something in or out or something, and the door was open, and this woman just wanders in. Said she owned the place. Very obviously didn't; she looked homeless or something, but she insisted that she used to live there, that it was her house.

I think the police were called, but I really don't remember.

Anyway, that was a weird experience. There's a 12 year old girl living in my room (the room that I redesigned, when I was twelve. Hot pink suits that age). They have a big dog. They have all our furniture.
I don't know why I expected it to look different. It didn't. It looked the same.

But it was someone else's house. I couldn't make myself comfortable there.
And that pisses me off. It's my house, goddamn it. I spent the better part of my conscious life there. I kept looking at the walls, thinking "Is this where I lived?"

Switzerland isn't home either, though.
And living in a basement in McLean certainly isn't.
Although all of these places are nice.

I'm basically homeless. I'm bouncing off of other people's houses. I don't like it.

Funny. Last year, around this time, I had my "I just want to leave everything and ride the rails" phase (that phase where everyone told me I would get raped. It was a great phase).
I was basically asking for this, but this isn't what I had in mind.

Bought a harmonica today, my third. I somehow forgot to pack one, and I've just been feeling the urge lately.

Me: Do you sell harmonicas?
Music Store Guy: Yeah, right over here. What'll you be using it for, mostly?
Me: Oh, you know, just those moments when you want to whip out a harmonica.
MSG: Alright, I know those moments.

I wasn't aware there was another use for a harmonica. I guess if you were in a band, you could use a harmonica in that band, and then you'd want something more serious than the six dollar "Pocket Pal".
I have a more serious harmonica. I just found it in my desk drawer one day last spring, after I'd bought my first harmonica at Barnes and Noble that time I didn't want to come home.
There were a lot of times I didn't want to come home. And now I want to go home but it isn't there.

Regardless, now I have a harmonica for use in the states. Hooray for that.

Oh, hey, you, after listening to my melodramatic rant, do you want to help out a friend of mine? Vote for this thing (click "gibt deine erste geborn" or something)!

Love always,
Clara

5.12.2010

epic awesome indian food

It was an incredibly slap-happy evening. That's really the only way to describe tonight's events.

Eleni and I met up at school to drive over to her neighborhood (which I could have found with my Garmin, had I a Garmin in my new car, whose name is Benny, by the way. He's not actually mine; he came from the dealership. But we like each other. He's quite agreeable).
We end up meeting up with Claire and Jessica and Jill and going to get Indian food. I really like indian food. This worked well for me.

Jill had this really large umbrella.
Really large.

There were all of these hysterical can't-breathe-laughing moments at dinner, and all of them are escaping me. But I do remember that the sinks in the bathroom were brilliant. The water essentially cascaded down this glass disk, and then it felt like a massage on your hands. I have never encountered a sink about which I have had such strong feelings before.
(I realize I just went far out of my way to avoid ending a clause with a preposition [about], only to end the sentence with a preposition [before]. I really can't figure out a construction that avoids that problem without even more cumbersome awkwardness, so you preposition-nazis can just deal with it)

Jill revealed to us that she doesn't know what to do when people cry in front of her.

Jill: It's so uncomfortable! I'm like, 'Emotions? What am I supposed to do with this?'

Then we walked to this gelato/coffee/tea shop.

Jill: jananajajanajana
Me: What?
Eleni: Didn't you hear her George-of-the-Jungle story earlier?
Me: Oh yeah! Sorry, yeah, I was listening to that. I just didn't put the two together. It's so awkward when that happens and then the person is like "Oh, I guess you weren't listening." I have this purse... I got it at H&M...
Claire: What?
Me: Well... It's more of a clutch, I guess. I brought it to school for a while.
Claire: Oh, a purse! I thought you said... a curse! So I was like... H&M?

Claire had some problems with her hearing in general. And I had some problems with redundant statements.

Me: I like hoodies because hoodies have hoods!

Then we went to Barnes and Noble and sat on the floor and read books. I found one that helped me express my love for Jill as a daughter.

Me: Daughter, You are so special to me. Every time I see you, my heart is filled with joy... You are a very special gift.
Jill: ... Thank you.
(later)
Jill: I should get one of these so that I can express my emotions.

Then we read books about astrology.

Eleni: Clara, you and I would be a fiery passionate match.

Aries and Leo apparently are good for each other, although I really can't picture myself getting fiery and passionate with Eleni.

Me: THIS BOOK LOVES ME! THEY THINK I'M AWESOME! THEY'RE SO RIGHT!
Eleni: This book thinks I want an ornate Venetian mirror. Hm.

Katie and I used to read this intense horoscope book that she had when we were younger. It said that she and I, Scorpio and Aries, were both prone to head injuries. It was interesting.

I thought most of the descriptions of my birthday-horoscope were pretty spot-on though. The book said that my greatest challenge was "coming out of my shell" and that I was endlessly optimistic and fiercely independent, and that I didn't want a "submissive lover". Also, I tended to be detatched, and at my worst, I'm stubborn and a bit of a workaholic. I think that's true more for things I'm passionate/stressed about (e.g. Yearbook) and not so much for things that I see as frustrating wastes of time (e.g. Physics).
Very interesting stuff. I don't think there's anything to it, except the power of suggestion, but at the same time... it is a little bit uncanny, because those descriptions actually suit me pretty well.

All in all, a hilarious night. I'm enjoying this whole end-of-high-school thing.

Love always,
Clara

i better stay away from that plant

Yesterday I was looking at my genetic profile (thanks dad!) and discovered that I have higher than average odds of becoming addicted to heroin. I told Eleni this.

Just now, the Bio kids came out of their last class.
Eleni was carrying a plant.

Me: What's that?
Eleni: It's a poppy plant!
Me: Are you going to make heroin?
Eleni: Yes! And I'm going to give it to you, because you're so likely to get addicted!
Me: Oh no!

It was sort of the quintessential Eleni-Clara conversation.
I talked to mom this morning. They still have guests up to their ears. Including:
  • Our old neighbors
  • A woman who served on a board with dad, who was 80 years old, and got the flu while she was there.
  • My aunt's friend from high school (?)
  • The man who used to sell my dad clothes (??)
I really don't know how they're doing it.

I'm so happy to be done with APs. The latin kids are still stressing out about their last one. That was me last year... hah. AP Latin.

I still have a math exam though. Not an AP exam. Just an exam. Apparently the internet has dehumanized me to my online teachers, so they have no compassion for my senioritis-induced laziness.
Blah.

Love always,Clara

5.11.2010

"darling I know what you are thinking- NO BLOGGING THIS"

This is essentially going to be a blogpost of things I'm technically not supposed to blog. First is a great quote from an email from my mother. They hadn't realized that if you invite a million people to stay at your house, you end up with a million people at your house.

Mom: We spend our days and nights whispering plots in the hallways and bathrooms figuring out how to get rid of the guests...

Last night we had the "Health, Safety, and Beyond" seminar. It was riveting.
The first hour was basically two alums telling us that college is awesome.

Alum: Drinking can be really really really really really... fun.

Then they took questions.

Taylor: So what are the weeknights like? Like, if you don't have work, you're not going to go to a strip club on a tuesday night...
Alum: Don't make assumptions.

We did talk about some pretty serious issues, though.

Person: What do you do if you don't like your roommate?
Alum: Kill 'em.

Then Ms. H and Mr. Y came out and told us that we should all get credit cards but shouldn't use them, and that we shouldn't drink in college, or that we shouldn't make "bad decisions."
That was all pretty enlightening as well.

They told us to keep what happened there confidential, but I'm not sure why. I don't understand why people want to keep things they say private, unless they're saying bad things about someone else.
Which I guess they shouldn't be doing anyway.

Love always,
Clara

5.10.2010

i'm free!

At 11:50, I entered tutorial room 208. And at 3:37, I was done with high school physics forever.
Could not be happier right now.

John: I saw your golden sunglasses and immediately identified you, Clara.

I'm wearing my gold sunglasses today. I think they're pretty fly.

Jonathan: Look at you with your gold shades and your gold hair and your gold... sandals.
Me: And my toes! I'm matching!
Tom: You've always been golden to me.

I have missed my completely weird/dysfunctional relationship with Tom.

Tonight we've got a health and safety seminar for the college-bound among us. That's sure to be a bucket of laughs.
I'll keep you posted.

So happy.

Love always,
Clara

5.09.2010

busy day!

Sorry for not blogging yesterday. Or the day before.
Friday I didn't have much of an excuse, except that I went to dinner with Cath and Isabella and Eleni and we were too busy eating hummus for me to blog. And I didn't bring my computer to school. I should do that.
Yesterday I had an awesome excuse, because I was literally at Isabella's house for about 2 hours between 9 am (when I woke up) and 10 pm (when we got home).

I woke up at Cath's, actually, which was chill. I drove over to Isabella's (I'm feeling so capable lately, with all of my driving around DC) and then we went to Tyson's and I bought a dress at Forever 21 that is blue and strapless and too short to wear to school. I'm considering that to be a good thing. I have quite enough dresses that are long enough for school.
So then we rolled back over to Cath's and I tried on said dress and Sam judged me but that's quite alright.
And then we had iced cappuccinos at Open City and freaked out the waiter with sketchy conversations and that was cool too.
And then Isabella and I went to Pasa Thai and ate dinner and then we went to see a horrible movie with some hilarious moments.

"The Back-up Plan" was based on a trashy novel. I know this for a fact. There was a brief period of time, that summer my family went to Spain, when I read a few trashy chick-lit novels, and they read exactly like this movie. The main character was sort of perfect but yet sort of annoying, and she had vast amounts of money that weren't really explained, except that she used to work in "the corporate world," except that it didn't fulfill her, and so she bought a pet store. Animal rights are discussed. Puppy mills are bad. Et cetera.

This morning we watched The Hills.
I feel so weird watching that show. It's sadistic, really. At the beginning, it was just watching random people's lives, which I found a little weird. Now, it's all about watching what happens to someone's life when you watch it; we're only seeing the effects of the reality show on these people, on the reality show. I feel like by watching, I'm helping to fuck up these people's lives.

What are they going to do when people stop watching?

Anyway, that's what I've been up to. I promise that when APs are over, I'll have more time to blog, and more to say. My reading starts soon, so that'll be nice.
Here's what I'm reading: The 10 Best Books of 2009

Love always,
Clara

5.06.2010

munchkins?

My blog was plagiarized today.

Also, David and I went to the mall. It was insane. First we went to Urban Outfitters and looked at books and such and that was chill.
Then we decided we were hungry.
So we went to a place called "Fruity Yogurt."

We should have known that this place, with a name like that, would be an all-business yogurt store. We were far too frivolous for the liking of the yogurt-man.

David: Okay, how do we do this? The sign says 'Select your cup size'. I've never done that before!
[giggles]
David: What's the next step!?
[more giggles]
[visible eye roll from yogurt-man]

He was a bit hostile, honestly.

Then we went to Bloomingdale's and he bought a shirt, and the man ringing up the shirt asked whether we were dating. We're most certainly not, but we sort of look alike, which is why the man thought we were dating, apparently. He went on to say that he and his fiance look alike.
And then he went on to say that someone looked like a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz. We had to gather that this person was a guy, and his fiance.
So... he was a gay munchkin.

That's the story of my trip to the mall. Also, I bought white sunglasses. You know, the usual.

Love always,
Clara

5.05.2010

problem: solved

There are some things that my parents are better at than I am. One of these things is throwing bitchfits. I think it's my mom, specifically.

I told them my AP situation.

And I took the BC Calc exam, at school, this morning.
Hooray. My rant was for naught. I'm not even disappointed for the sake of the rant; that's how happy I am.
(I will admit that sometimes when something bad happens, I rant about it here, and then if it's resolved, I'm a little bit sad because I liked the rant so much. This is not one of those times.)

The exam itself wasn't that bad. I wrote the college board more letters. I've stopped capitalizing their names.
dear college board,
I will not capitalize your letters. I can even spell things wrong. This may be childish, but I just need to convey how little respect I feel for you.
sincerely, Clara
I also drew some things. A banana, and a chicken hang-gliding over Lake Geneva. I wrote, "this is Switzerland. You should go there."
dear college board,
it is sunny outside and you may not ruin my mood.
sincerely, Clara
I spent the afternoon outdoors, chilling with a pretty random crew. Then I went into a tree to read Nietzche. I found it strangely fitting.

I had so many funny conversations today, but I can't remember any of them. It's a shame; I wish I could recount them here.

Oh, here's one.

David: It would be like yelling at a panda.
Me: Oh, why would you yell at a panda?
David: Because he's my AP Stat teacher.
Me: Oh.

Me: Douchetastic Senior isn't much like Douchetastic Junior I don't think. Douchetastic Senior is just like, 'oh yeah, there isn't a lot going on in my life' whereas junior is like "I AM SPECIAL!"

I really can't elaborate on that one, unfortunately, but I really liked those nicknames.

Me: Nick, do you not understand code words at all?
Nick: I do, but what would 'sex' be a code word for?
Me: No. [redacted] means sex. Seriously?
Nick: Ohhh.

There are so many more Real Conversations at this school.

Love always,
Clara

5.04.2010

pissed off

So I came to this country to do APs.
Or, I came to this country to see my friends, under the guise of needing to take APs. I even arrived on saturday, so that I'd be semi-over my jet lag by tomorrow, the date of my first hypothetical AP.
Except, oh wait.

Someone in the bureaucracy did something wrong (shocker of the day). And now my APs start on May 20th. And end May 26th.
What the fuck?

Can I just say that I had no intention of knowing anything about physics or calculus by that point? I had scheduled a brain-erasing appointment on May 14th. I was excited for it.
And now, they insist that I keep my brain going for another two weeks?! Are they insane?! I can't retain this information. Its weight is bearing down on me already. It's going to fall, and I could either struggle to hold it up or I could let it drop now. I think that's what I'm going to do.

This is how I feel. This is how I am going to handle this.

Senior spring has been too hard and I am tired of putting myself under this pressure and I want to stop so that's what I'm going to do.

Anger anger anger. I legit wanted to cry when I got this new schedule. I told people I had to sneeze (which was also true) to explain the legitimate tears in my eyes.

Love always,
Clara

5.02.2010

party in the u.s.a.

I'm back in my country!
Sorry for not blogging yesterday. I did a wee bit of babysitting before passing out at 8:30 or something. It was super.
Today was a lot of wandering around tysons, and getting a phone. I spent almost two hours in the at&t store. It was insanity.
Of course, I brought it on myself by not calling the bank and letting them know that I'd be in America and not Switzerland; their brilliant (usually wonderful) algorithms decided I'd been the victim of fraud and froze my credit card, so I had to call them and explain. It was super. I got to share all of this personal information in the middle of the at&t store.

Now I'm living with Isabella which is marvelous. We had dinner with Eleni and Katie tonight.

Katie: The beltway is really good for going from far places to near places.
Me: Yeah... Roads are great.

We went to a vegetarian restaurant.

I'm coming to school tomorrow.

Hooray for lots of things.

Love always,Clara

4.30.2010

my last day

Today was my last day of a lot of things. It was my last day of working on the yearbook (although not my last day of stressing about the yearbook), my last day of what-I-call-school, my last day in this country for a month and a half. It was the last time for a while that I could sit up at the park and watch the metalheads walk by and listen to Chris identify the songs.

It was a good day. A good night.

It's been weird, being here. And now it's weird leaving.

I feel like I'm being released from prison, assuming that I would make friends in prison. It's... complicated. Bittersweet.

One thing I've always had trouble with is the fact that things change. I remember talking about this in tenth grade with Will one day. We were walking around the school holding hands or whatever the kids do these days, talking about random things.

Me: I can't grasp the concept of change. I always just assume that things are how they always have been and how they always will be, even though I know that's ridiculous.
Will: I've never had that problem.
Me: I don't know. I just can't get my head around things changing.

It's been an issue for me; usually I'd just pretend everything was the same, no matter how absurd that seemed. Moving to Switzerland was a change that I really couldn't ignore though. And so I adjusted, and I made it my home, sort of.
But... America is still my home, really. I lived there for the first 17 years of my life. Virginia is my home. And that's where I'm going tomorrow.

I'm leaving home. I'm going home.
I'm sad about leaving. I'm happy about going.
It's a bit like before I moved; I was excited to come here, but not at the expense of everything I knew. And I put on a braver face than was honest with most people.
Those of you who saw me at my worst can vouch for that.
The thing about that though was that Switzerland was this great mystery and I really had no idea what it was going to be like. This time, I know almost exactly what I'm coming home to, and I love that, and I couldn't be happier about that.
Except that I have to leave here.
Not that I like it here.
And we're back to the prison analogy now; I'm happy to be out of this place but there are some things I'd rather not leave behind.

I don't even know what's going on. My tweets were incomprehensible tonight and I'd bet my blogging isn't especially coherent either.

Also, this was self-indulgent.
American kids: See you soon!
Swiss kids: I'll miss you. But I'll be back soon enough!

Love always,
Clara

4.29.2010

i am so close to being done with high school.

I'm watching my final chapter's worth of videos for calculus. This is the last I'll see of my dear Edward Burger. Farewell, Edward. It's been a great eight months.

Edward Burger: I'm going to change the names of these, live. Now, I know you're thinking, "Can he even do that?" Well guess what? It's my lecture!

Burger's getting feisty.

Edward Burger: So time equals t. So I'll be drinking tea, in the up and down direction.

I found that particular instance of math-related-wordplay personally hilarious, for reasons upon which I can't really elaborate, but if you know what I mean, you know what I mean. (teehee)

Edward Burger: You've heard the term, a smooth operator. Well that's what we're talking about here... in a math-y vector context.

I have to pack tonight. That's going to be an insane process. I'm not really looking forward to it, honestly, but I have to do it tonight, because tomorrow I'm going to school and then going to a barbecue and then going out because it's my last night.
Which is crazy.

Next time I'm in this country, I'll be a high-school graduate. When random web sites ask me for my highest level of education (you would be surprised how often this happens), I can honestly say, "Completed High School"

I'm pretty sure when I say "Some High School" the website assumes I'm a dropout and judges me, so it'll be nice to lose that stigma.

I'm not so sure that a website is able to judge.

Love always,
Clara

4.28.2010

i'm not friends with any hookers, i don't think

Sourabh: You don't even know my mom! How tall is she?
Mehdi: I can't remember every single mom I've been with... Like, Megan... Lydia...
Me: Hey, my mom's foxy. I don't mind.

Jelena asked me for Tessa's number, but I didn't have it so I made one up, which was fine by her. She proceeded to call this number, saying it was Tessa, to embarrass him.
The random swiss guy who called back wasn't thrilled.

Sourabh: Hey, do you guys like hookers?
Me: What?
Sourabh: Yeah, like, female hookers. Mehdi and Clemens told me, girls like hookers. Not to do anything with, just in general.
Halima: So... are we friends with hookers?

When I was younger, I didn't know what a gigolo was.
Remember that song, Gigolo?
I remember singing that song in the car, having no idea what I was saying, and my mom being horrified and explaining the meaning to me. Good times on long car rides.

Sourabh: Once, two hookers came to me and Clemens in Bern. We ran away.

I just had the greatest conversation with my mother.

Me: Hey you know what's fun? Doing calculus after a gin and tonic.
Mom: I was about to ask you how that was going.
...
Me: Oh, they all listen to [redacted musician]. [Redacted] listens to [redacted] because [Redacted] listens to [redacted] because [Redacted] listens to [redacted].
Mom: They're all just following the drug felon.
Me: Well, yeah. That's what I do when I'm in doubt.
...
Mom: Okay. Well I'm going to go try to remember what made me swear off gin.

Love always,
Clara

i'm a teen!

Mom's concerned about media.

Mom: Now it's all texting! Just when I had email figured out...

I'm in the student lounge. What's funny is that the people in my grade (not all, but some) were pissed off when the grade 11s were in here, but Frau L just threw a couple sixth graders into the room and no one seems to mind.
One of the kids is pretty hilarious; I've seen him around at lunch. He was selling fruit cups the other day.

Thomas: Hey wait!
Kid: *walking away*
Thomas: Oy! CHILD!
Kid: *turns around* I told you once, I'm a TEEN!

later...

Me: So how old are you, then?
Kid: Twelve.
Me: So you're not a teen!
Kid: I'm twelve and four months.
Me: ... that still rounds down. Come back in a couple months. Then we'll talk.

Kids are weird.
I include myself in that, because I am still a child.

Edward Burger: I'm just going to leave this in that form, because who knows what that equals? Only the shadow knows.

You know, math is getting trippier by the day.
I asked Mr K for help on a math problem yesterday. He literally told me to "find someone cleverer."

Love always,Clara

4.26.2010

more songs (of thomas's and david's and my own)

It's one of those days when I really just want to zone out and listen to music and maybe start watching season 2 of Skins.

Unfortunately, I have a billion hours of math videos to watch. Literally. I calculated that value with a Taylor polynomial approximation, but the limit converges, so there is no error.
I'd love to use that in real life. It would be so useful in everyday interactions.

"Nice essay, but I didn't know what you were going on about on page three"
"The limit of the taylor series converges! There is NO ERROR"

"You're late"
"The limit converges."

"Do you know how fast you were going back there?"
"Officer, the limit of the taylor series I was doing in my head at the moment converges; I'm sure there was no error."

SO useful.

Anyway, I've been doing that, but I've also been taking extended slacker-breaks (I no longer call them study breaks; I need to be more honest with myself) and downloading music.
Which brings us to the following-

Bulletproof - La Roux
Your Love's a Drug - Leighton Meester
Everywhere I Go - Lissie
Blue Planet - Lake Heartbeat
Mystery - Lake Heartbeat
Every Time You Go - Ellie Goulding
Under the Sheets - Ellie Goulding
The Writer - Ellie Goulding
The Asteroids Collide - Alessi's Ark
Creature Fear - Bon Iver
I Can Talk - Two Door Cinema Club
Love of an Orchestra - Noah And The Whale
Mowgli's Road - Marina and the Diamonds
Obsessions - Marina and the Diamonds
Paris - Kate Nash
Don't You Want to Share the Guilt - Kate Nash
Sleep Tonight - Stars
Heart - Stars

So that'll keep me going tomorrow. So much work, I might die.

Love always,
Clara

4.25.2010

I have such a headache

I have a murder headache.
I can't even think straight.
It's becoming exceedingly difficult to finish sentences.
For example, I just said, in real life, "If you're wearing a shirt, you're obviously wearing a shirt"

I'm skyping with Daph, and facebook-chatting with David.
David
true true...AND ITS ABOUT TO GET CLASSIER!!!!!
Basically, I'm okay when I'm sitting still in a dark room. If there's a light on, or loud sound, or if I have to stand up, I feel like I've been bludgeoned over the head. Repeatedly. And my eyes feel bruised, if that makes any sense at all.

I leave in six days. Which is kind of cool but kind of weird.

I'm going to bed.

Love always,
Clara

4.23.2010

the dastardly deed


Can you figure out why I was lightheaded last night?

Blowing up balloons for four hours tends to do that to a person.

Senior prank '10 (and the first ISBerne senior prank in recent memory) was an epic success. We filled the faculty lounge with balloons, sprayed our names into the field, and sang obnoxious songs over the intercom.
Completely epic.

Today was our last day of school. Or, rather, I'm going to be coming to school next week to do work and deal with yearbook, but no one has classes.
High school classes, in general, are over. Classes, in the sense that I know them, are over.
What a trippy thought.

We had an assembly today; Larissa and Mariam danced, Aksil showed a video, Mehdi gave a speech... He made Mariam stand up and speak as well. She didn't want to, or, rather, she did, but she didn't want to start crying, and she knew that one would lead to the other.
But she got up anyway, and thanked Mr. L for being like a father to the class, and started to cry, which made everyone else want to cry, and we all got up and had a group hug like we were in an after school special or something. It was insane.

I felt bad because I really never got to know Mr. L as well as everyone else did. And I was sad, at the assembly; I'm realizing that I don't actually want to leave. But I want to go home.
I hate living in two places. I like going places. I don't like leaving them. But there's no way to avoid it, except to pretend it isn't happening until the moment you're on the airplane.

Who knew I'd be having these thoughts now. These thoughts belong to August '09.

Except, this time, I know what I'm going to. I know I'm going home. In August '09, I was trying hard to be optimistic about moving, because I had no choice, but honestly I hadn't a clue whether it was going to be good or bad or awesome or scary or what.
This time, I know what's waiting for me. Potomac won't have changed that much since November; I think I can count on that. It didn't change much in the 11 years I was there, no more than I did, although that's not a fair comparison. A person is supposed to change in eleven years. Twelve years.
Between going to Potomac on whatever wednesday afternoon it was, to recite my phone number and look charming and do whatever else it was a five year old needed to do to get into this school, and today, it's been twelve years.

And I'm somewhere else.

I feel like that's fundamentally wrong. Like I'm being disloyal.

But I don't really want to leave.

I don't know how bragging about our awesome senior prank turned into this crazy emotional rant. I think it's that our class really came together last night and today; I felt like I was a part of it, finally, and that's a great feeling, and am I going to have that when I go home? I don't know. I hope so.
Anyway, the balloons were sweet.


Love always,
Clara

4.22.2010

i became lightheaded several times today

There's a reason for that, and I'll explain in further detail tomorrow. But know that it involves tomorrow being the seniors' last day of school before study leave (before exams).

Why don't we get a study leave at Potomac?
I guess it's that all of their classes are ending right now; whereas last year, I still had three classes in progress after APs.

Anyway, I became dizzy several times today.

Between the hours of 4PM and 8PM I was at school, and so was the rest of my class. It was really great, actually- I think we actually came together pretty nicely.

The vagueness is necessary but regardless, I apologize.
Pinky swear: details, pictures, the works-- tomorrow.

Love always,
Clara

4.21.2010

things on facebook are so quickly taken out of context

... and I think it's funny.

Yesterday was pretty cool. I may go into further detail later, but for now I'll leave it at that.
Came home for dinner and mom was telling stories about her early days in journalism. She had a free radio show (i.e. they didn't pay her to do it), and she'd bring in these vaguely interesting people and interview them.
Which didn't always work out.

Once, she was interviewing a man who looked really nervous beforehand.
Guy: So, um, what kind of interview will this be?
Mom (joking): Oh, I'm just going to ask you if you still beat your wife!
Guy: *turns white* Those charges were dropped...
Mom: *feels awkward*

Apparently that's a completely true story, of which the moral is: don't joke about wife-beating?

Actually, this wasn't the only time wife-beating was a topic of discussion on Mom's show.
Once she interviewed a woman who had been abused, and had subsequently started some sort of foundation for battered women. According to my mother, she was a terrible person to interview in that she would give one word answers to everything, which isn't useful or interesting.
So my mother, fresh out of college, is frantically trying to come up with a question that will get her to talk, and she's thinking, "Who What When Where Why How?" because, of course, that is the journalist's mantra, and they repeat it to themselves a thousand times each night before they go to bed, because that's what journalists are like. Or maybe I made that part up.
Anyway.

Mom: So... How battered were you?

That's a true story. Mom asking sketchy questions about horrifying life experiences, on local television.
I think awkwardness is genetic.

Love always,
Clara

4.19.2010

messy mondays?

Okay.
So.
Let's talk about this morning.

I was feeling pretty good this morning. It was nice out in a it-rained-last-night-and-everything-is-clean kind of way, and I was wearing gold sunglasses and singing Mika songs to myself, so the week was off to a pretty good start, I'd say. Dad gave me a ride to the Bundesplatz, from where I walked to Starbucks, thinking, "Damn, I look good today, and I'm in a great mood, and things are generally great."
So I'm lost in thoughts (about how awesome and effortlessly cool I am, of course). And then my foot strikes that newly-rained-upon ground and I completely fall over and the things in my bag go everywhere and I am no longer the coolest kid on the block.
So that was embarrassing but it didn't hurt or anything, so I figured it was just another day in the life of Clara. Fair enough.
I manage to get to Starbucks in one piece, somehow, and order my tall sugar free vanilla soy latte and have a great conversation with the Starbucks-woman about how everyone speaks English there.

I hadn't gotten Starbucks in the morning in a while, so I'd sort of forgotten my routine, which includes sitting at Starbucks for five to ten minutes checking facebook and twitter on my phone, essentially killing time so that I could catch the well-timed 8:01 tram.
I forgot that part today; I was probably distracted again by how effortlessly cool I am.

So I'm walking from Starbucks to the tram stop, and I see someone I recognize walking out from behind me up an escalator.

Me: Max?
Max: Hey!

[That was a completely unnecessary Real Conversation]

I hadn't seen Max in ages; not since Kyle's basketball party thing that one time. So I follow him up the escalator and we chat for a bit and I realize how good it is to see him and then we part ways. I get down the escalator again and start walking towards the tram stop, and... I don't even know what happened. Somehow my foot slipped or my hand freaked out or something but I ended up spilling sugar-free-vanilla-soy-latte on myself. Specifically, on my right boob (Matt asked later, naturally).
And it was hot. I yelped. Which I think was the world's way of adding insult to injury.
At that point there was nothing to do but keep going. I'd realized I was on schedule to make the 7:51 tram (the awkwardly-early one under most circumstances), but now I was realizing this wasn't such a bad thing, because maybe I could slip into the bathroom and try to rinse/dry my shirt or something, because I smelled like a combination of coffee and vanilla, and I was wet.
So I go and catch the tram.

About two minutes later, two teachers from my school sit down basically next to me. Here's how the tram chairs work- each "unit" is comprised of two rows of three chairs each, facing each other. So on one side you've got a foursome of chairs, parallel to each other, so that four people could comfortably sit there and have one conversation, and on the other side, there's a pair of chairs facing each other that is probably more suited for intimate tram moments, whatever those may be.
So I'm taking up more space than necessary in a foursome, and these two teachers (Ms R and Ms N? I really should know everyone's names by now) are sitting in the intimate seats. So once I leave my music-coma and realize they're there, I say hi, and then return to the coma. It occurred to me at that point that this tram is probably the faculty-tram, since they have to get to school earlier.
So that's chill.
But wait.
At the next stop, Mr C (of all kinds of fame that I will not even mention because things said on the internet can apparently mess up your life; ask Max) gets on, and of course he wants to talk to his colleagues. So he sits down in my foursome.
I'm at this point bruised, covered in coffee, and sitting next to one of the most hated teachers in my school.
At which point I decided the morning was definitely out of the ordinary in terms of clara-being-awkward. I hope this doesn't become a trend.
Chris got on the tram too (I have no idea why he takes that one; it's obviously the most awkward tram on the planet) and he literally would not sit next to me, because he knew better than to entangle himself in this ridiculous quadrangle of three teachers and myself. He just gave me this look like "Um, did you make some new friends?" and I gave him a look like "Shoot me please?"
He sat down in the foursome in front of mine (which was empty, which Mr C should have been sitting in, which everyone else should have been sitting in) and said good morning.
I was like "Um, no. Not a good morning. SUCH A SHITSHOW MESS OF A MORNING"

I told him the story. I'm pretty sure it didn't surprise him at all.

Love always,
Clara

4.18.2010

what sound does a broken train make?

Last night when we were out, we ran into a huge group of ninth graders. Funny; I did decidedly little sketchy-hanging-out-at-parks-with-alcohol when I was in ninth grade. I guess times have sort of changed.
Anyway, Robert was there, hilarious child that he is, and he was doing something that displeased me. I don't remember what.

Me: Tsk tsk, Robert.
Robert: You say the weirdest things! First pish posh, now tsk tsk? You sound like a broken train!
Me: Broken trains don't sound like tsk tsk. They sound like whssshhhhhhhhEEEEEEkpphloughghhgh!!
Robert: What?!
Me: And 'tsk tsk' isn't supposed to be an onomatopoeia anyway.

So... if you were wondering, that's what a broken train sounds like. I had a lot of trouble spelling it. Respect.

Love always,
Clara